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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248827">Somewhere I belong</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruoste/pseuds/Ruoste'>Ruoste</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Once more together [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, Dimitri and Marianne The Depression Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, F/F, Felix and Ashe Cat Cafe Regulars, Fluff and Angst, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, M/M, Minor Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Dedue Molinaro, Minor Dorothea Arnault/Ingrid Brandl Galatea, Minor Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril, Multi, Nonbinary My Unit | Byleth, POV Multiple, Polyamory Negotiations, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Schizophrenia, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Sylvain and Dorothea Bisexual Solidarity, Trans Bernadetta von Varley, Trans Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, everyone has mental health issues and everyone gets THERAPY</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:20:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>33,788</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29248827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ruoste/pseuds/Ruoste</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been 5 years since Dimitri was placed under psychiatric treatment. Today is the day of his official release and he gets to witness with his own eye how his friends have changed during that time. Old feelings reawaken and new ones are born for his closest friends.</p><p>---</p><p>It would be wrong of Dimitri to voice these thoughts for them. They were already in a fulfilling relationship with each other and had been for a long time. It brought Dimitri joy just seeing the both of them happy, thus he should be satisfied with just supporting them.</p><p>Dedue was quick to notice his sour mood.<br/>’’Why do you look so sad after such a beautiful song, Dimitri?’’</p><p>’’I’m afraid, I’m a horrible person,’’ he confessed solemnly, which his friend seemed to take with a more curious attitude rather than judgement.</p><p>’’I don’t know what makes you say that.’’</p><p>’’For something so beautiful to be wrong… I have stained it. I have managed to tarnish the meaning of love.’’</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Once more together [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2279489</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Moving</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I just wanted to write a fic in which everyone gets the therapy they so desperately deserve. It happened to come to fruition with added dimisylvix. Thanks to catfishbone for encouraging me to write this idea down!</p><p>Lots of characters make a brief appearance or are mentioned thus not tagging all of them. And yeah, this fic is based on the original/Japanese version of the characters. Greatest differences lay in Sylvain and Felix’s characters, but there will be notes and links to the translated sources whenever the differences come up. Please enjoy~</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> It had been 5 years since Dimitri was first taken to a psychiatric hospital. After his parents died in a car crash he had slowly, but surely, made it known he was the one at fault. He would accuse himself of the smallest things and would tormented himself with the thought of what ifs, that if he only had or hadn’t done so, it wouldn’t have led to his parents death. While some thought might have been true, none would have ultimately but delayed their fate as Dimitri later came to know. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> The culprit behind the car crash, the people that had controlled the other car, had belonged to their rivaling company, Von Hresvelg family. The attack had been planned by Edelgard’s uncle Volkhard, and while the court prosecuted and ruled in Dimitri’s favor and judged the right man guilty, Dimitri couldn’t find it himself to forgive Edelgard. Even when she had claimed to not have known, her uncle’s plan had revolved around Edelgard inheriting the legacy left behind by the Blaiddyd family, as she was Dimitri’s step sister.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><em> Dimitri couldn’t find any pleasure in how the killer remained alive, even in prison. His mother and father were gone and maybe it was that rage and guilt that led to his mental health crumbling, or maybe the genetics were simply not in his flavor, because at the age of </em> <em>18</em> <em> he was diagnosed with PTSD, strong sense of survivor’s guilt and depression with included symptoms close to paranoid schizophrenia. </em></p><p>
  <em>He would hear voices and sometimes even see his parents as ghost-like beings mocking him for killing his parents, or for surviving when they didn’t. It led to Dimitri’s moods quickly changing without warning, and going days without eating or bathing as he didn’t feel like he deserved it. It took his friends literally carrying him to said hospital before he got some help. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>During those 5 years he spent most of his time in and, short times, out of the hospital. They found him the correct medication and the right therapist with a long term plan how to proceed. And now he had been softly pushed against the first steps to adjust to life outside. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri strolled along his new apartment. It was much more spacious than he was used to even if it was just a single room and a bathroom. While he had lived in a large mansion until his late teens, his room in the hospital had consisted of closed spaces and walls. Small study table, chair and a bed. Not a place you would usually spend all your time willingly in. Weirdly enough he had grown to prefer such small spaces. It gave him less space to stroll around when he couldn’t sleep or felt too restless to stay still.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’I still feel unsure, Dimitri,’’ Dedue spoke softly, but the concern was clear from the way his eyebrows were knit and lips pressed tightly together.</p><p> </p><p>’’Please. There is no need to worry, Dedue. I will be fine. This is what I have been preparing for months now,’’ Dimitri tried to reassure.</p><p> </p><p>’’But you were with someone all those times. I still think it would be best for you to move in with us. Even if it’s for only a short while,’’ Dedue repeated his request.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri shook his head.</p><p>’’I don’t want to trouble you and Ashe. Besides, all this time I have been living while troubling someone else, I rather not make that a habit.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dedue gave him a piercing look.</p><p>’’We have talked about this.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I-’’ Dimitri caught his self-deprecating thoughts before they left his mouth again.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The mental hospital had taught him to self-reflect, to critically go through his thoughts and pick their arguments apart. How the thought of him not deserving something, didn’t come from his parents, friends or even the personnel doing their job in the hospital.</p><p>The thoughts were not someone else's but his own, and he would have to fight them whenever they decided to show themselves. Go through the motion of asking why he thought that, and why exactly he was wrong. A never ending circle, which is why it was important that someone would occasionally snap him out of them.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yet he needed to be able to handle himself.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> So he could live with himself again.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Within his own mind. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’You are completely right, Dedue. I mustn't think of me getting the help I need as trouble. But you live just next door. I assure you, if anything happens, I’ll come to you. I just want to be… independent.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri knew it was incredibly selfish of him to ask such.</p><p>But being left in the care of others for so long made him feel like a helpless child. Which is exactly how he felt when his parents died. </p><p>Everything was done for his sake, he knew, but he was an adult now. He couldn’t forever lean on someone so he could be spared from the pain. He didn’t want to live like a pampered prince, unable to appreciate the good when it came, because he didn’t know the bad.</p><p> </p><p>Dedue remained quiet for a long while looking at the yet empty apartment. Dimitri still had time to back down on his deal on the flat, yet the Dedue wanted to trust his friend.</p><p>’’I understand. Do you have the floor plan with you?’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was early and Sylvain, for once, felt energetic despite not being a morning person. The reason for his joy being that his childhood friend was officially to be released today from the hospital. 5 years had been a long time in and out of the hospital. He had seen Dimitri during that time of course, but his friend's absence in his daily life left the kind of hole that needed fixing, bad.</p><p>His life was full of Felix yes, they had been dating 3 years after all, but Felix was a very moody person. He had his bad days, his ’’hands off ’’’ days and ’’I guess I must have done something wrong because Felix isn’t speaking to me’’ days. Sylvain was pretty adept at fitting Felix's moods and filling his time with other people, but nothing could quite take Dimitri’s place.</p><p> </p><p>He was really quirky with his naive but headstrong attitude. And once everyone had graduated and started their studies in different schools, or in Dedue’s and Ashe’s case; a job, finding people to spend his time with had become harder. Despite his extroverted personality, Sylvain wasn’t the kinda guy to let people get close easily. And you could even say that on some level he felt lonely.</p><p>So he was more than eager to help Dimitri with unpacking his furniture, even if he had to wake up 3 hours earlier than he usually would.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>After a short drive he was pleased to see a familiar blond girl had made her way there with her motorcycle.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hello Ingrid! Glad to see you could make it,’’ Sylvain greeted as he exited the car.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain? You’re awake early. I expected you would come later with Felix.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Sorry, Felix couldn’t make it. Something bad happened with Rodrigue, and he had go.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What! That’s awful-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Nonono-! Not the accident kind of bad. Just, you know- Rodrigue is expecting Felix to inherit the business and made some appointments without Felix’s consent and- Yeah, he didn’t like that one bit. After he shakes his father up a bit, he’ll come to help. Gets a ride from there,’’ he explained and Ingrid nod.</p><p> </p><p>’’Alright. Do you know who else is coming?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Dedue was here before, but Ashe and him are busy. Weekend, remember?’’ Sylvain pointed out.</p><p>Weekends meant busy in Dedue’s and Ashe’s restaurant. They were going to be tied up with work to the late hours of the night.</p><p> </p><p>’’Right… So it’s just you and me until Felix comes,’’ Ingrid sighed. She sounded displeased with the thought. Sylvain would have taken that as an insult if he didn’t know that she had worked a night shift just yesterday. She was rightfully very tired.</p><p> </p><p>’’Still weird of you to come alone,’’ Ingrid remarked. She most likely meant the attitude change in him of not hanging around girls all the time, but Sylvain wasn’t ready for that conversation, if ever.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey! Me and Felix aren’t attached from the hip unlike <em> you </em> and <em> your </em> girlfriend. And besides I couldn’t let you do all the heavy lifting,’’ he instead shifted the conversation in his favor and Ingrid rolled her eyes.</p><p> </p><p>’’You do remember I work in retail at night?’’</p><p> </p><p>Yes, Sylvain was more than knowledgeable of the fact that Ingrid could break his neck with her bare hands with all the heavy lifting she did.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>The door to Dimitri’s apartment was open with bigger furniture left outside to the hallway. Dimitri had inherited a lot of stuff and no way was everything going to be able to fit inside. Sylvain had a guess he plans to give Ashe and Dedue chance to pick something before donating them to that nearby orphanage he had been talking about.</p><p> </p><p>Once inside, Sylvain knocked loud on the door and called out to Dimitri. No one answered so he and Ingrid ventured further inside the hallway.</p><p>Inside, the apartment had a high ceiling, and it was full of stacked boxes and furniture were still warped in bubble wrap. In the center of the supposed living room Dimitri was staring vacantly at an expensive looking piano. Only it was free of plastic that surrounded his other belongings. He was hovering his fingers above the keys, like he was afraid he would break them if he were to touch them.</p><p> </p><p>The scene looked somewhat ethereal to Sylvain’s eyes. Was it because of the fact that Dimitri looked taller? He was, wasn’t he? Sylvain had seen Dimitri so many times sitting down on the opposite chair when visiting him that the height difference never hit him. Or it could be the lighting? The soft bluish light when the sun was slowly beginning to rise. Yeah, that was what Sylvain was going to go with. </p><p>
  <em> And not that he thought Dimitri looked pretty. Which he did but-! </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri, we came to help unpack,’’ Ingrid called out, seemingly unbothered nor unnerved by Dimitri’s lack of reaction. A reminiscence of a time when their friend would stare at the walls and speak to himself. </p><p> </p><p>Luckily Ingrid's words had been enough to snap Dimitri’s attention to them with a flash of confusion that soon turned to nostalgic smiles.</p><p>’’Ingrid. Sylvain. It has been a while.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Started unpacking without us?’’ Sylvain tilted his head towards the piano.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m sorry, couldn’t help myself. Yet I think it might be pointless for this piano to be here,’’ Dimitri's laugh was strained, ’’I don’t think I remember how to play.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Well once you start to practice again, it’ll begin to come back to you. Re-learning is easy, right Ingrid? Just like when we used to take music lessons together,’’ Sylvain encouraged.</p><p> </p><p>’’Right. I’m afraid I’m rusty as well. I’m not sure if I still have my violin,’’ Ingrid wondered and Sylvain joined in her train of thought.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m sure you have. Otherwise you wouldn't need to work part-time. It could buy you free time for the rest of the semester.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Truely? I would greatly enjoy hearing you play, Ingrid,’’ Dimitri’s eyes sparkled.</p><p> </p><p>’’Pl-Please, I said I’m rusty. Don’t expect too much from me,’’ Ingrid spoke true to her perfectionism in character. Always trying her damnedest even when she wouldn’t get grated for her performances.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Maybe Dimitri's attention was drawn to how Sylvain’s musing was reflected in his face, as he spoke to him.</p><p>’’Sylvain, I haven’t heard you play either. Have you been practicing?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Hm… Well, now and then. Flute is easy enough to play with my flexible finger.’’</p><p> </p><p>Ingrid gave Sylvain <em>the look</em>.</p><p> </p><p>’’C-come on. I meant it literally. Promise.’’ He offered with his best innocent face, but her face said she didn’t buy it.</p><p> </p><p>’’What about Felix? -Oh, I don’t see him with you,’’ Dimitri just noticed the missing person from their promised group.</p><p> </p><p>’’He’ll take a while. But to answer for him, no. Felix picked the guitar remember? And stopped as soon as he was able to,’’ Sylvain smirked.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri chuckled.</p><p>’’Yes, I remember him getting frustrated when all the instruments seemed too difficult for him to learn. He would have taken up cello if he wasn’t so small, because that’s what Glenn-’’ played, Dimitri was probably going to finish but he fell quiet.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Even after all these years speaking of Glenn was a hard topic for them, especially Dimitri.</p><p>He had seen Glenn die with his parents, but what had made it worse was that Glenn had been on the back seat of the car, the same as Dimitri. He had been sure Glenn had protected him, when the car was sent flying by the impact, because when he had come to, Glenn had his arms around him. The rescue team had to peel Glens’s lifeless body off him because of how tightly he had held Dimitri.</p><p>Ingrid also remained uncomfortable around the topic. She had admired Glenn nearly as much as Felix had.</p><p> </p><p>Only Sylvain really hadn’t had much of a connection to Glenn, if not through what his friends felt. As such, he had been the strong one then, and would continue to do so now.  </p><p> </p><p>’’…Yeah. How about we get to unpacking, Dimitri?’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix swore if his father would decide something without his consent again, he would move to a different country just to get away from him. Sylvain would probably follow suit, but he would miss Annette and Ashe, even if he wouldn’t admit it out loud. Maybe he could get his father to leave instead? Kick him out of his life forever.</p><p>Rodrigue was someone who couldn’t handle change very well, while Felix was stubborn he could not be compared to the other. Felix had realized very early you needed to accept things that life threw at him. Crying over Glenn didn’t bring him back nor could Felix take his place in their family business.</p><p> </p><p>-Well, more importantly he didn’t want to<b>.</b></p><p> </p><p>When he had been a child becoming a bodyguard like his brother had been his dream, just so he could protect his friend and first crush Dimitri. The reality of the job, of course, was different. You wouldn’t be able to choose who you would protect and you would most likely never protect the said person your whole life. It had been just a naive dream that Felix came to know later. He could never even reach the standards which required a specific height and body built.</p><p> </p><p>Felix had trained since as long as he could remember in various material arts with Glenn. It had left him more often than not in tears because he could never beat him, and never being strong enough nor good enough in his father’s eyes. Only Glenn reached the high standards, but even despite that, even as a full time bodyguard he couldn’t even protect his own life. </p><p>
  <em> How ironic. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>So it had fallen on Felix’s shoulder’s that he would inherit the security firm or so Rodrigue had decided for him.</p><p>Office worker and a team leader was just about the farthest Felix could see himself work as a job. No, he didn’t want to engage with others on the same job as him more than needed. No, would he sit on his ass in front of a computer from 8 am to 5 pm and tell other people what to do. Hell, he would rather work as a chef in Ashe’s and Dedue’s restaurant, if he couldn’t make it as a professional athlete. So his father was going to lay it off and respect Felix’s boundaries if he wanted to be any kind of part of his life.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>It was well into the afternoon when Felix arrived at Dimitri’s.</p><p>He was more than a little relieved that Dedue and Ashe would be his neighbors. He didn’t trust Dimitri would be able to stay sane more than a few days at a time, and would probably forget to eat if someone wouldn’t remind him. He put the thought of texting Dimitri regularly to remind the boar not to neglect himself in the back of his mind, as he entered the building.</p><p> </p><p>He was both surprised and a little frustrated to see that they had nearly moved anything inside the apartment.</p><p> </p><p>’’Did you wait for me to do all the work or why the hell this place is still like this?’’ he spoke up and was greeted like a life savior.</p><p> </p><p>So apparently the floor plan that Dimitri and Dedue had laid out the day before had gone out of the window, because of the piano Dimitri had forgotten and now taken a liking to. And because Dimitri wanted to place the piano where the table had been, that had to be moved to where the bookshelf had been, and so that had to be moved elsewhere. So on so forward they had been making a new plan, and in the end they had decided to leave out the extra table.</p><p>Felix knew this was going to be a long day. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>They began with placing all the furniture in their correct places. After a short break, they resumed this time with placing boxes to their assigned destination. Sylvain couldn’t help but to worry for Ingrid’s back, as she had been assigned to inventory duty just yesterday. Ingrid soon enough proved him wrong by teaching all the boys the right way to lift a box without straining your back.</p><p>Sun light was starting to fade quickly.</p><p> </p><p>’’We could continue tomorrow?’’ Ingrid offered.</p><p> </p><p>’’No, please- You have done more than enough. I couldn’t keep you here more than needed-’’ Dimitri began.</p><p> </p><p>’’Shut up and let us help you boar,’’ Felix spat and Sylvain laughed apologetically.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah. You should consider we’re doing this out of our free will, and that just maybe, we want to reconnect with you. You know, spent more time with you?’’ Sylvain filled in.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri seemed to feel odd at the thought, but not unpleasant. Felix guessed that all the time in the hospital acting as to be as little of a bother as he could be, was still pursuing him.</p><p>’’I- Thank you everyone. I appreciate it. I hope all this will be finished by tomorrow.'’</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Nothing speaks as much about Felix, Sylvain, Dimitri and Ingrid belonging to a modern high class than them being forced to learn to play some classical instrument since they were children.</p><p>(I say this as what I have witnessed from northern Europe, which is the culture I based this Modern AU on. More specifically it’s like all of Fódra fused together thus all Europe fused together? Hmm...)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Fractures</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>’’So how have you been? I see you’re in a good mood.’’ Mercedes, Sylvain’s therapist, was correct at her presumptions as usual.</p><p> </p><p>She was only three years older than him, but it honestly felt like a lifetime with how great she was at her job. Professional, yet very emphatic and never afraid to call out Sylvain’s problematic behavior. Of all the circling trauma therapists, she stood on the high ground, at least inside his mind.</p><p> </p><p>’’You would be correct, Mercedes! My childhood friend Dimitri, if you remember, was just released from the hospital. Honestly, I never knew just how much I had missed him until he got back,’’ Sylvain gladly answered.</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s wonderful! I’m happy for you. My best regards to his recovery.’’ She clapped her hands together in shared joy.</p><p> </p><p>’’But Sylvain,’’ she began, pausing to carefully choose her words, ’’I’m still worried you haven’t told any of your friends about your fears. Even vaguely. I think the biggest problem we have to work on now, is your unwillingness to open-up. You know yourself that they will love you even if you tell them.’’</p><p> </p><p>She was tearing apart Sylvain’s guard as usual. He wasn’t anymore breaking down in tears whenever Mercedes exposed his weakness so easily, but it still left his voice deeper and cracking, his carefully crafted facade crumbling.</p><p> </p><p>’’I know. I’m afraid, I’m still working on that,’’ he offered weakly, ’’And now really doesn’t seem to be a good time to spill my trauma just when we’re helping my friend over his.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, but then when will you tell them? It never seems to be a good time for you. It sounds like you are just making excuses.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You see right through me. How scary.’’ He could only laugh weakly and Mercedes smiled sadly at him, but remained stern. Unwilling to let Sylvain bottle everything up and suffer in silence.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She did a quick search on her desktop, then turned her eyes back to him.</p><p>’’I wonder if a group therapy would be of any help to you? Telling a strangers who share your experiences might be the final step to telling your friends and continue on your road to recovery.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You speak like I have a choice,’’ he joked.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain had spilled his story closer to a dozen therapist, and wasn't exactly against the thought of group therapy, but every inch of his body rejected the thought of telling his friends just how messed up he was. Basically he was stalling. Hindering his own progress, for his own cowardliness.</p><p> </p><p>’’Of course you have. No matter how much I pressure you, ultimately it’s up to you. Rest assured the group size will stay under 10 and so far 4 have volunteered. You don’t have to share your own name, or any experiences you’re not comfortable with. This group’s assigned therapist is actually a good friend of mine. I’m sure you’ll be in good hands if you decide to attend,’’ Mercedes softly pushed and Sylvain took a deep breath to deny his fears.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He wouldn’t have to tell any of his friends yet. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He was rushing too far ahead in his insecurities. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything could still remain the same. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’…Alright, I’ll try. I have already poured my heart out to all of your colleges by this point. One more story time with a small audience won’t kill me,’’ he agreed and her face brightened.</p><p> </p><p>’’Wonderful! The group sessions will start next month, and I’ll send you the details to your email later. Is that okay?’’</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>’’Like I had a choice. Only you understand me, Apollo,’’ Sylvain recounted to his horse, who had his ears turned towards him at a 90 degree angle this whole time.</p><p> </p><p>Well, not <em> his </em> horse, but the therapy horse that had been loosely assigned to him. It was love at first sight after he had taken up riding after he had been introduced to it by none other than his high-school rival Lorenz. That diva of a man had chosen the same university as Sylvain by chance. Time had changed them both for the better in that time. No more trying to one-up each other at picking up ladies, instead they both were trying to free themselves from their families legacies. Their unwanted persuasion on unsuspecting women was now a thing of the past.</p><p>While Lorenz had a career in sight, fashion, Sylvain was and still is lost what to do after graduation. He had prolonged his stay in university and switched his majors so much so that he could become the first student to major in everything. He had explained away his slow progress with his work that he assisted his family with now and then, but by normal standards he was stalling by unacceptable amounts. Only the family name he was trying to run from saving him from being kicked out. What a double edged sword it was. It made it even more reluctant to just step into the unknown.</p><p>A future that he would have to craft for himself.</p><p> </p><p>  </p><p>’’You’re always early, Sylvain,’’ a fellow ginger made his way to Sylvain.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hello, Ferdinand. I see we have a new student?’’ Sylvain peered behind Ferdinand’s back where a short girl was hiding. She looked like a scared rabbit clinging to Ferdinand’s side, his long hair hiding her head nearly completely from the view.</p><p> </p><p>’’This is Bernadetta. She has been considering joining us for a while, but is still somewhat afraid of the horses. And shy- Please Bernie, don’t tuck my hair,’’ he pleaded when she retreated away from Sylvain’s gaze.</p><p> </p><p>’’D-Don’t just say it so casually! Bernie is just your shadow wallowing in self-pity. I’m nothing! Nothing to see here! J-just continue as you would without me here-! I-I’ll calm down,’’ she spoke with a weak voice.</p><p> </p><p>What a weird girl, but so was everyone in this class, so Sylvain spared Bernie from the benefit of the doubt.</p><p> </p><p>’’So Constance won’t be here today?’’ he directed his attention to Ferdinand as requested.</p><p> </p><p>’’No, she got a call for a possible new horse that was taken in by animal rescue services. She and Hapi made their way there, so I’ll be in charge for a while,’’ the Ferdinand von Aegir puffed out his chest proud.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Ferdinand and Constance were the co-founders of this stale, well, Constance was the one to actually take care of everything while Ferdinand was the financial support. She had her parents' debt and bankruptcy on her shoulders already and couldn’t have started her business without him, while Ferdinand lacked a stable job as he was still working on his own business including horses. They balanced each other.</p><p> </p><p>’’Will Bernadetta ride with us today?’ Sylvain asked, and the said girl squealed in distress.</p><p> </p><p>’’Nononono-! I couldn’t, I can’t! Bernie is not mentally ready yet Ferdie!’’</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s okay Bernie. You don’t need to push yourself to do anything you’re not ready to do. You can just watch from the audience and how about afterwards we greet some horses?’’ Ferdinand spoke steadily and the purple haired girl nodded her head furiously, relieved.</p><p> </p><p>The two, or well only Ferdinand vocally, excused themselves and walked off while Sylvain was left to care for his partner Apollo.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix counted closer to 100 practice swings, the satisfying sound of the air being cut in half. *Shinai offered just the right amount of weight to offer resistance to block oncoming strikes and yet be easy to handle when going on offensive.</p><p> </p><p>Felix had tried many sports from other martial arts until he committed to kendō. He had tried fencing, but the wobbling swords, the rule to use only one hand and the jump oriented leg work had left him feeling out of his element.</p><p>Kendō was a sport of patience. After the sword was swung the following seconds a point would be scored and usually under 5 minutes the match would be over. Speed and preciousness were the most important factors. One mistake could make you lose everything, while hesitating and dreading them would make you lose the time you needed to win.</p><p>There was little you could tell from the body language of your opponent covered in heavy traditional armor and no facial features visible behind the helmet. The sport was all instinct and it served a controlled way for Felix to vent his troubles away in small bursts of aggression. Swings of a bamboo sword and nothing more, nothing less.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Your form is admirable as always, Felix. Make sure to refrain from overworking,’’ Jeritza commented. His trainer only spoke when he deemed it necessary and, yes Felix had a bad habit of overworking himself.</p><p> </p><p>’’I have it under control. I won’t repeat mistakes.’’ he said.</p><p> </p><p>Jeritza offered only a quiet approving hum, and left him to his own devices.</p><p>His trainer seemed rather apathetic to the most people, but Felix had seen him at the nearby cat cafe regularly- which he himself only visited because of Ashe. Even with the house full of them the other boy didn’t seem to get enough of them. It helped that Ashe’s friend Caspar worked there who was generous about giving them discounts.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Last one here, as always,’’ Catherine, his sponsor, ex-teacher and the owner of this gym, noted and Felix took one last swing before he lowered his sword.</p><p> </p><p>’’Didn’t see you participate in any practice matches today,’’ she said and Felix ignored.</p><p> </p><p>’’If you wanted to use a private training ground instead you could always ask your dad. No sense in a public one if all you do is train alone,’’ she offered, and if he didn’t know better, he would think Catherine was intentionally trying to get on his nerves.</p><p> </p><p>’’You’ve seen me at practice only once, and you’re making assumptions,’’ Felix answered voice flat. </p><p> </p><p>As much he wanted to get back at her, Catherine had been champion of multiple sports from which her most remarked were her performances in fencing and mixed martial arts. She had settled into teaching after her short but successful career, and she had also opened a public gym for other people to rent.</p><p>He could help but to respect the woman, despite her annoying tendency in sticking her nose where it didn’t belong.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well, you don’t strike me as sociable,’’ she said.</p><p> </p><p>’’Practicing with someone doesn’t have to be <em> social. </em>’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I see. Always learning new things about you,’’ Catherine laughed and was motioning towards the exit. ’’I’ll take my leave. Be sure to lock up after you leave.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It had been nearly a month since Dimitri had been released from the hospital. He was slowly getting used to life alone.</p><p>Yet he couldn’t say he fared completely alone as nearly everyday one of his friends came to see him. Felix was the most frequent visitor, as he had the free time after his routine practice. He would press Dimitri when he had last eaten, and even if he just had said he had, Felix would make him something so his fridge wouldn’t be empty later. Forceful care but it was comforting, even if Dimitri became more and more aware how he had been left out of loop.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone had already moved forward in 5 years and while he had heard about what they were doing, witnessing it was different. Dedue and Ashe spoke about possible new recipes for their menu. Felix complained about cocky opponents at the kendō class. Sylvain recounted all the essays he had due that week. Ingrid spoke about her coworkers at her part-time job. </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri found himself questioning if his presence was somehow keeping them from something more important.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> From their possible happiness? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> From their hope filled futures? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He shook off those invading thoughts. Instead of coming to a conclusion himself, he decided he would ask everyone individually if it was true. He could already see the disappointed face of Dedue and angry Felix with his mind’s eye, but he had to ask. So he could prevent anymore voices blaming him for something that wasn’t true. He had been educated to know about the importance of communication skills about thoughts like this.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>His therapist had just left from his home visit and proclaimed Dimitri was progressing. Voicing his doubts had fared the similar answer that he had already come to the conclusion about. He hadn’t scheduled anything for today, so when his phone rang, he wasn’t expecting to get a call from his past comrade.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m sorry to suddenly drag you with me…’’ Marianne apologized.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s alright, I didn’t have anything else planned for today,’’ Dimitri reassured with a smile and Marianne let out a nervous breath.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m glad. You look a lot better now.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank you. You look so well, I nearly didn’t recognize you,’’ he said in return.</p><p> </p><p>Marianne looked a lot brighter. Her hair combed neatly and no more dark shadows under her eyes that had indicated sleepless nights. Dimitri remembered how she used to walk with her head down, and now she was seated straight meeting his gaze.</p><p>
  <em> He hoped the following year would do the same to him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’O-oh, please… I- It’s all thanks to my friends. Especially my girlfriend Hilda, for being patient with me. Much less sleepless nights when she is by my side,’’ she flushed red with a sudden realization.</p><p> </p><p>’’Please don’t misunderstand my intent! I would have asked you for tea later, but when Hilda wasn’t able to make it today I gathered my courage to contact you, Dimitri. I had intended to since I heard of your release, but I always felt as if I were to interrupt something with your friends and family. People you rather spent time with- Oh dear, all these words just sound like excuses,’’ she fumbled, nervously playing with the hems of her skirt.</p><p> </p><p>’’Not to worry, I understand. Reaching out to a friend who attended the same psychiatric hospital is awkward. Honestly, I doubt I would have had the courage to be the first to reach out to you instead. You are strong Marianne,’’ he praised and she visibly relaxed.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Marianne had just as traumatic of a past as him, but in a very different way. Yet it ultimately yielded the same results, of severe depression and survivor’s guilt.</p><p> </p><p>She was born to a cult, a small, but particularly cruel one. Children born to the cult under a full moon would be marked as monsters and would be shunned. People feared them, even the parents were taught to raise these children with caution as they were marked by the devil. Other practices of the cult Marianne had no knowledge of as she, branded as a monster, couldn’t attend any rituals or ceremonies the cult held. What news had gathered, the religion centered around blood and sacrifice and how the members tried to tame the animalistic side of them to be able to ascend to a higher state of being.</p><p>The cult had lasted little under 30 years until the leader died. Afterwards it was rumored that some of the members became cannibalistic and ate the leader's body as it was never recovered. What was sure was that the cult's location was discovered when its members started a forest fire. Most of the members died there, including both of Marianne’s parents. Marianne herself survived and was adopted by the famous Von Edmund family. Since being rescued she had been accustomed to therapy at a very young age, but as she grew older her depression got worse. She then became a regular at the same mental hospital as Dimitri.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’I’m just relieved you accepted. I feared I might trigger bad memories during our time there, or you just wouldn’t want to associate with me anymore,’’ she giggled.</p><p> </p><p>’’Not at all. The conversations we had back then brought me peace of mind. Honestly, you were the only one of the patients there that would talk to me at my worst. Everyone avoided me and I could hear them whisper bad things about you just because you had been exchanging a few words with me,’’ he noted darkly.</p><p> </p><p>’’I didn’t mind. I was… in a bad place then. I hardly cared what good others thought of me, instead expecting always the worst until it became a self-fulfilling prophecy,’’ the tips of her lips fell downwards.</p><p> </p><p>’’The same as me, but now we are past it. We both have abandoned our wish to perish,’’ he voiced and Marianne nodded her head, determined.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes. I’m finishing my studies as a veterinarian soon. I’ll be able to help them only when I stay alive,’’ she affirmed.</p><p> </p><p>’’It fits you. If I’m ever to get a pet, I’ll leave them to your care whenever they might need it,’’ Dimitri promised.</p><p>He wondered what kind of animal would fit him. He should look into them and later Marianne for her opinion.</p><p> </p><p>’’T-Thank you. I hope you’ll also find what you’re looking for, Dimitri,’’ she wished and Dimitri blinked before laughing to himself.</p><p> </p><p><em> Maybe once he would find his own goal, he won’t feel as much of a hindrance. </em> </p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri knew nothing about stables, but he felt they weren’t supposed to be this huge. Marianne introduced every horse there by name and explained their personality traits. Few barns were empty. She guessed a lesson must be in session so they headed outside the stables. A soft autumn wind was blowing and they walked a short while to an open stadium.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The stadium was even more wide and Marianne explained it was because they used to host competitions here. The audience seats were almost empty, only three people besides them watching. </p><p>She led them to the front seats and Dimitri followed. In the arena rode a handful of students while a long haired man instructed them with a voice amplifier. The formation seemed simple from the outside, but one horse seemed to want to turn another way than intended constantly.</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s Dorte. She’s very stubborn in her ways, but very gentle and kind. I used to ride with her while I still attended here. She hasn’t forgotten me, as neither have I. She was rescued from a hoarder and had been in very bad shape then, but has made a full recovery,’’ Marianne began introducing until a horse, or rather a person, caught Dimitri’s eye.</p><p> </p><p>He held himself with grace, but it seemed to come naturally. The brown horse seemed impatient with their speed and wanted to escalate, but the man calmed the horse by petting it side and speaking to it calmly. Curled red hair peaked under his helmet.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah, that’s Apollo. A very charismatic fellow with free soul. It’s never satisfied until it can canter at full speed at his heart's content. He was found abandoned, and when they attempted to catch him, he had made being rescued a game. He would run away every time they tried to get close to him. A peace offering of food was what finally led to his capture,’’ Marianne continued, and as said horse passed them Dimitri was sure of his discovery.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain?’’ he said out loud and Marianne nodded.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, Sylvain is Apollo’s partner. You’re right that I should also talk about the students here-’’ she stopped confused as she was yet to mention any student by their name. ’’You know Sylvain?’’</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*Shinai= A Bamboo sword used in Kendō.</p><p>I had a hard time deciding between Kendō and fencing to find which was more fitting for Felix. Both have a very short maximum match time, Fencing 3 minutes and Kendo around 5 minutes. I chose both, but settled on Kendō after researching the two subjects. In Kendō you score points when hitting the opponent's body (this means the armor around your upper body), wrist, head or throat. Throat. That’s so savage. I find it fits Felix’s character and in-game stance when swinging his sword. He has two hands on the sword and both feet steady on the ground. </p><p>- Also If you’re wondering what Kendō is doing in modern Fódlan, let’s say this world has all the continents of other Fire emblem games like Tellius. This includes, of course Hoshido, (to those who don't know, it's the most Japanese culture inspired continent of the games) where probably Kendō was invented.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Uncertainty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sylvain was in his own kind of zone every time he got on a horse. For lack of a better word, it made him feel free of everything, which mainly concerned his family.</p><p>The fact that Miklain had tried to kill him for the status that his family had placed on Sylvain, which he hadn’t even wanted, made declining his duty even harder. It would be like spitting on Miklain’s face, even when he was already gone. Still despite all the abuse and hate that his brother had directed at him, Sylvain couldn’t bring himself to hate him. Even if only because they shared the same parents that screwed them both up in very different ways.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As Ferdinand began finishing the class Sylvain scanned the audience for Bernadetta. He noticed the small girl at the very back with what seemed a notebook in her hands. Hopefully she would gather courage to join them.</p><p>Sylvain also noticed Marianne at the front with Dimitri.</p><p> </p><p>He rubbed his eyes with the back of his sleeve.</p><p>Nope, he wasn’t seeing things. That was definitely Dimitri.</p><p>They locked eyes and the blond gave an awkward wave.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Definitely Dimitri. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> +++</p><p> </p><p>When they returned to the stables and Sylvain’s head was filled with questions. Questions of if fate took some sick pleasure of watching him suffer or if he just had horrible luck.</p><p> </p><p>’’Are you okay Sylvain? You look unwell?’’ Ignat, a fellow student, asked. </p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah. Just saw that a friend had come to see me. Didn’t expect it at all,’’ he shrugged the other’s worry off.</p><p> </p><p>’’A friend? You have never brought company here,’’ The artist pondered and Sylvain faked offended.</p><p> </p><p>’’Okay, that’s cold Ignatz. It’s like you want to say I don’t have any friends.’’</p><p> </p><p>Year or so ago, any kind of confrontation would have left Ignatz apologizing excessively. Now the anxious boy could handle being teased or jokes without delving to panic territory.</p><p>’’No, I didn’t mean that-! Just, I got the feeling that you wanted to keep this and that separated is all.’’</p><p> </p><p>There was more truth to the statement that Sylvain liked to admit.</p><p> </p><p>’’…I guess I did,’’ he mumbled, but before Ignatz could ask for specifics Marianne and Dimitri made their way to them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Hello Marianne.’’ Ignatz greeted as he was on familiar terms with Marianne and her girlfriend. They all seemed to have attended the same high school together.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain turned his energetic act in to full swing.</p><p>’’I didn’t expect you to find me here Dimitri.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I didn’t intend to. I came here with Marianne.’’ Dimitri answered, directing his gaze to the blue haired woman besides him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hello Sylvain, Ignatz. I didn’t know you knew Dimitri. What a small world we live in.’’ She beamed, as she always did when there were animals in a 5 feet radiance from her.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah,’’ Sylvain chuckled in an attempt to calm down his internal panic. </p><p> </p><p>So far Dimitri hadn’t questioned why he was here, thus he was dreading needlessly. Dimitri had no ability to self-censure his speech, as such, if he would have been curious about what Sylvain was doing here, he would have already asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’Did you come with a car Sylvain?’’ Dimitri instead asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’No. Felix has it for practice. I used a cab,’’ he explained.</p><p> </p><p>’’I can offer a ride, if you would be willing to accept?’’ Marianne asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’I don’t want to interrupt your time together,’’ Sylvain spoke slowly but she seemed determined in her offer. Maybe she actually was curious about him outside the stalls.</p><p> </p><p>’’One more person won’t make a difference.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Alright. While we’re at it, I could offer you a cup of tea as repayment. How about it?’’ Sylvain offered.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was close to 8 pm when Felix got into the car. All his limbs felt numb, an after effect that later would be replaced by throbbing and pulsing pain, but in time it would subdue. Every session made his stamina a little higher and recover quicker. Every form of exercise was it own kind of torture and source of adrenaline. Some people were addicted to the feeling, but Felix only found himself caring about the results he strove for. A match won, or reaching one of his own personal goals.</p><p>If he didn’t make it as a professional athlete he figures he could go into teaching. Sylvain would laugh at him, but Annette and Ashe had said he had the potential. If someone as lax as Catherine or someone with as weak of a presence as Jeritza could teach, then someone as ruthless as Felix also could.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When he arrived at their shared apartment Felix wasn’t expecting guests.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey Felix! Welcome home,’’ Sylvain called and Dimitri peered over his boyfriend’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>’’…What is the boar doing here?’’ he questioned.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh! I-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’We happen to run into each other by coincidence. I got a free ride here, so I offered to pay Dimitri back in tea as an exchange. Afterwards he wanted to see our apartment so here we are,’’ Sylvain was quick to explain, interrupting the blond.</p><p> </p><p>Felix didn’t want to read too much into the gesture.</p><p>’’I see,’’ he answered, relaxed now. Fatigue was kicking in slowly and while he had eaten a protein bar after training he really was really craving more.</p><p> </p><p>’’Dinner is just about done,’’ Sylvain seemingly read his mind.</p><p> </p><p>’’I can leave you two to it. I have stayed here already for far too long,’’ Dimitri offered.</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s nonsense. You aren’t a bother, Right Felix?’’ Sylvain prompted.</p><p> </p><p>’’Boar will stay. I bet he hasn’t eaten anything for at least 6 hours.’’ </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Frankly Felix was more offended that Dimitri was planning to run away with a tail between his legs just by <em> his </em> presence.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Was he too forceful checking up on him daily? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>  -No, unsupervised he would accidentally stay awake 48 hours just to stare at a wall. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’It has been only…’’ Dimitri quickly checked his digital clock. ’’It seems I never did eat anything except breakfast today.’’ </p><p> </p><p>’’You’re always worse than I think.’’ Felix barked and crossed his hands disapprovingly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah, I’m sorry. I will take up your offer then,’’ the blond yielded and Sylvain dragged both of them to the living room.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>It seemed Sylvain had already predicted Dimitri’s stay as he had made double their usual amount. Nothing fancy, an easy pot of frozen vegetables, soy flakes and noodles all mixed in a pan. It was quick and easy, something Sylvain and Felix both ended up making far too often. Still it was better than what Dimitri made. His cooking skills were next to nothing after the accident. He couldn’t taste anymore nor did he have any of the required dexterity to use a knife. Dimitri’s cabinets and fridge were always full of ready made meals. The medical center had really left him in this sorry state.</p><p> </p><p>Yes, Felix was worried and he hated it. He felt like a nanny who wasn’t paid, but he did it all for free because he just couldn’t find it in himself to leave the boar alone. He had seen the state the other had been in his worst. The state that had shattered his image of Dimitri as this charming prince and shown just how broken he was. Just a feral beast with all too sad past.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> But that beast wasn’t alone even when it acted like it was, and he was there to prove it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Felix couldn’t deny the still lingering feelings of a crush for the other boy. Sylvain knew about and had accepted it, and Felix had sworn he would get over it.</p><p>In a sense he had.</p><p>It wasn’t anymore a childish idealized version that he felt attracted to, but also to this clumsy Dimitri who couldn’t even open a damn metal jar without cutting himself. Yet he had still remained as kind and caring as back then. Felix's crush hadn’t gone away as he had hoped, but he decided to ignore it. He would get over it and would have to, when Dimitri would someday have his own traditional wedding as he had spoken when they had been but children.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’So Dimitri, you mentioned Felix had been often to your house,’’ Sylvain was the one to keep up the small talk as they ate.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, and now I’m interrupting you’re alone time as well.’’ Dimitri apologized, unnecessary careful of their feelings for Felix's irritation.</p><p> </p><p>’’Not what I meant! If anything it makes me happy,’’ Sylvain assured.</p><p> </p><p>’’…Sylvain. What are you planning?’’ Felix had a bad feeling about this topic.</p><p> </p><p>’’Nothing. Just wanted to reminisce about the past.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’The past? Yes, all four of us were inseparable back then.’’ Dimitri’s expression softened.</p><p> </p><p>’’Remember how Felix was always following you around?’’ Sylvain said and Felix could swore he would get a headache.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes I do. It always warmed my heart.’’ Dimitri spoke unashamed of whatever left his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Felix wanted to crawl in a pit and die.</p><p> </p><p>’’Did you know Felix had a crush on you then?’’ Sylvain said and Felix was alarmed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain,’’ he warned, dared the other to say anything more, even if the damage had already been done.</p><p> </p><p>’’He did?’’ Dimitri looked at Felix oblivious as always. </p><p> </p><p>Felix couldn’t find words. Shame mixed with anger from Sylvain’s betrayal.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah. Can you blame him? You were so pretty back then and mistaken for a girl often?’’ Sylvain said all too casually.</p><p> </p><p>’’I suppose,’’ Dimitri considered, still clearly overwhelmed by this new piece of information.</p><p> </p><p>’’So then-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain, that’s enough,’’ Felix said firmly, his voice low and dangerous. Panic overpowering the feeling of shame boiling in his gut.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’…I’ll do the dishes’’ Sylvain offered, as if it was a consolation, but Felix wouldn’t forgive him as easily. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> When Dimitri would be gone they would have a long talk. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’I should also help-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’No, no, no! Keep Felix company, ’kay?’’ Sylvain rejected the offer and the red head was gone and Felix was left alone with Dimitri.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Five years ago he would have just walked away from this kind of situation. Ran away, avoided it and pretended the before mentioned talk about his crush hadn’t happened. Now Felix was forcing himself to clean up this mess as quickly as possible so they could go back to normal.</p><p> </p><p>’’Are you alright, Felix? You haven’t spoken much,’’ Dimitri said and Felix glared at him the best he could. The other man seemed to get the idea.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh, you don’t need to worry about that crush. We were young back then.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Good.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I, myself might have felt the same towards you,’’ Dimitri laughed a blush rising to his cheeks.</p><p> </p><p>Felix shouldn’t feel his heartbeat growing faster, but it was.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>After Dimitri left, Felix counted to hundred before he spoke.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain, what the hell was that?’’ He was only a few notes away from yelling.</p><p> </p><p>’’What?’’ Sylvain played innocent as always and Felix really didn’t find it adorable in this situation.</p><p> </p><p>’’You promised. You promised you would never tell Dimitri,’’ he repeated.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah, but we were talking in past tense. Your secret is still safe with me,’’ Sylvain said.</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t you twist my words. Why did you do that?’’ Felix had to hold himself back from attacking Sylvain, so he avoided eye contact. Too consumed with anger to take Sylvain’s undoubtedly pleasant smile as anything but friendly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Didn’t you hear how Dimitri said he had felt the same? Bet you wouldn’t have heard that without a little push.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The provocation had been too much and now Felix had Sylvain pinned against the wall by the throat.</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t. Just answer me’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain didn’t answear, just avoiding his eyes glancing to the side, that stupid fabricated smile on his face.</p><p> </p><p>A heavy silence fell over them during which Felix calmed himself enough to begin to release the other.</p><p> </p><p>’’You and Dimitri would make a good couple,’’ Sylvain said quietly.</p><p> </p><p>Felix froze, mind pieced everything together too suddenly.</p><p> </p><p>’’You can’t be serious.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri probably still feels the same as you. I brought you up a few times and the found smile he has on when he speaks about you tells me as much.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yes, Felix and Sylvain had an open relationship. They had both agreed so from the beginning.</p><p> </p><p>They both felt comfortable enough in their shared trust that no one could break them apart. Felix hadn’t really felt the need to have anyone other than Sylvain in his life. He was exhausted by just dealing with him and Felix really didn’t find himself caring about anyone else the same way.</p><p>-Well, excluding Dimitri.</p><p>Sylvain had had plenty of one-night stands with girls and when asked would provide any info Felix needed on them. But since a year or so ago Sylvain hadn’t taken any more opportunities to play around with girls, and every time Felix asked why he didn’t answer. Felix had given up after that.</p><p> </p><p>So basically they had reverted to a monogamous couple. And now Sylvain was suggesting for Felix in turn to take his chances with Dimitri?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He paced around the room.</p><p>’’That would be different from what we promised.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I say it’s okay, so there isn’t any problem,’’ Sylvain said in a particular tone of voice that Felix couldn't decipher as nothing else but <em> fake </em> . The kind of twist of words you use to distract someone so they won’t notice how upset they themselves are. The ’’ <em> yeah, I’m not hurt at all. Just a few broken bones nothing serious. </em>’’ deflect.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b><em>All words were just lies.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b><em>Just lies.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Lies.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>’’Why the hell are you so persistent on getting me and Dimitri together?’’ Felix asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’He’s definitely more fitting for you and if you were to choose him over me, I would be totally okay with that-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Shut up, you fucking idiot,’’ Felix ordered and Sylvain obeyed, his smile faltering for a second. He knew he had been caught.</p><p> </p><p>’’You think now that Dimitri is out of the hospital you can hand me to him? Fat chance. You’re just using this as a way to sink deeper into your self-loathing.’’ Felix deduced and the hurt on his boyfriend’s face spoke that his guess had struck true. It was a guilty admission.</p><p> </p><p>’’And don’t you decide anything for me ever again. I won’t choose Dimitri over you, and, no, I’m not going to start a relationship with him when you’re like this. You’re not getting rid of me like it or not.’’ Felix spoke unrelenting, and Sylvain let out a broken laugh.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m sorry.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Surprise! Felix is the most mentally stable out of this trio. Sylvain is smiling on the outside crying on the inside and Dimitri is just a mess, but he’s trying to get it back together.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Connections</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was only a few days before Felix’s scheduled tournament. It meant he would be away for three whole nights, maybe four if he would win and be chosen as the representative to move towards more national level. The distance would let him take a breather out of looking after both Dimitri and Sylvain respectively. Yet the urge to hit something harder than usual hadn’t let out. All this repressed emotion wanting to burst.</p><p>Both of them were so stupid in the complete opposite ways. Goddess, did Felix want to crush something and he actually nearly succeeded breaking his kendō blade.</p><p> </p><p>To prevent himself overworking himself before the coming matches, Felix was spending his time exclusively around Ashe and Annette. Both of them were the few people who managed to not let his blood pressure rise.</p><p> </p><p>Ashe always tended to find the best TV-series or books that he and Felix might enjoy and they would marathon them in Ashe’s apartment surrounded by cats named after various foods and ingredients.</p><p>Annette in turn had grown quite busy as she was soon to graduate and become the music teacher she had always aspired towards. She could spare time for Felix only on weekends while she was babysitting her neighborhood kids. Initially she hadn’t asked for payment, but after the couple’s pestering, she had come to accept it and was able to even begin to pay up her student loan little by little. How she had been able to do this for charity first, was out of Felix’s grasp.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Thanks for your help Felix. Sometimes it’s exhausting to handle all of this by myself,’’ Annette thanked him for the thousand times.</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t mention it,’’ Felix brushed it off, as the only seemingly meaningful tasks he could do that Annette couldn’t, was lift things without dropping them.</p><p> </p><p><em>And unlike Rodrigue,</em> <em>the kids here thought Felix wanting to swing a bamboo sword for a living was the coolest thing ever.</em></p><p> </p><p>’’So, tell me about Dimitri,’’ Annette requested. She had never seen Dimitri in person, but neither had Felix seen Mercedes despite them talking about both of them often. It hadn’t stopped them from sharing stories about them.</p><p> </p><p>’’About the same as always. More exhausting than dealing with these kids,’’ Felix noted absentmindedly as he gazed at the ceiling to the second floor which was suspiciously quiet. It was pretty amazing that Annette could kindly suggest kids to do their homework and for them to not only listen, but to go as far as to do so, was magic.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well, maybe because you treat him like one? If you were to give him a little space-’’ Annette began, but he intervened.</p><p> </p><p>’’He would manage to get himself to a state that would send him right back to some hospital.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Is it that bad?’’ Annette’s voice lowered, filled with concern. It made Felix feel like he was over-reacting.</p><p> </p><p>’’No. I just want to be sure he won’t relapse.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri completely lacked awareness while concentrating on anything, which led him to ignore anything else than the task at hand. He always had that tendency ever since they have known each other, but Felix interpreted that Dimitri's new medication had added to the effect making him even more susceptible to forgetting his surroundings. Sometimes his eye would still dim and you had to snap the boar out of his thoughts. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe it was paranoia, but Felix feared that if Dimitri was too long in that state, the next thing that would stare at him would again be but a mindless beast.</p><p> </p><p>And this time no amount of treatment would bring him back.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’And then there is Sylvain…’’ Felix sighed.</p><p> </p><p>’’What about Sylvain?’’ Annette asked, curious as always.</p><p> </p><p>’’He’s being dumb as usual.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain could academically excel in anything that he put his mind to, but to view himself objectively seemed impossible. Felix will forever blame Miklain for that, and if the bastard wasn’t already dead, Felix might have just accidentally committed homicide so that Sylvain wouldn’t have to worry about his abusive brother ever again.</p><p>The casual thoughts Sylvain threw out about how Felix could be more fitted for Annette or someone else and how he used to remind Felix he didn’t have to put up with him, spoke volumes just how low Sylvain’s opinion on himself was. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Annette spun on her heels and puffed her cheeks.</p><p>’’Being all worried about the both of them will only make you more stressed.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m not worried,’’ Felix automatically denied.</p><p> </p><p>’’You are, as you’re frowning! You should trust them. And if not them, then the other people they have around them. They probably are just as good looking after your boyfriends while you’re away,’’ Annette assured smiling.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Maybe she had a point. It certainly wouldn’t help him to worry about them, while he would be gone. It could distract him him during this important time- </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’Wait- Boyfriends?’’ Felix repeated, and Annette feigned ignorance.</p><p> </p><p>’’Did I say that? Sorry~ You just speak about the both of them so equally, I always tend to forget which one was your official boyfriend.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s- Argh-!’’ Felix sputtered, his face growing warm.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Annette chuckled warmly and soon they were greeted by the sound of hurried footsteps from stairs.</p><p> </p><p>’’Annette, Annette! We finished our homework for Monday! Can we play with Felix, please?’’ Nicole requested.</p><p> </p><p>’’Shouldn’t you kids be asking me?’’ Felix reminded them.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes you can, but only if you did them,’’ Annette said and the three children jumped around Felix like he was some kind of present brought in just for their joy.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’ll make sure they actually did them. Play with them in the meanwhile,’’ Annette whispered as Felix was dragged to the living room.</p><p> </p><p>’’Fine…’’ he muttered. On some level Felix was thankful for the children’s timing, as he really wasn’t really in the mood to bring up all <em> the feelings </em> he had been bottling up.</p><p> </p><p>’’Come on Felix! We got these new swords!’’ Andrew lifted up ’’a sword’’ that seemed to be made up from toilet paper scrolls and duct tape.</p><p> </p><p>’’We made them ourselves!’’ Daniela added.</p><p> </p><p>’’But have you tested them?’’ Felix had his doubts as he was granted one of the swords.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah! They won’t break like last ones!’’ Nicole nodded furiously.</p><p> </p><p>’’They bounce of walls!’’ Andrew demonstratively swung the sword to the wall. A sound of a hollow cardboard rang out, and the sword was indeed repelled by the same force that the impact was made. Maybe there was some other weird material inside them after all?</p><p> </p><p>’’Good. But let’s not hit walls okay?’’ Felix said, so Annette wouldn’t get in trouble.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Despite Felix’s plan of not exercising, he still had ended up training. Kids sure had the energy to spare. The following day he had a long car ride to the tournament grounds ahead of him. It was a weekday so Sylvain couldn't join him but was of course worried about him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Remember to not overwork yourself!’’</p><p> </p><p>’’No. I can handle myself just fine,’’ Felix huffed which seemed convincing enough to his boyfriend.</p><p> </p><p>’’Great, great. Want me to watch Dimitri while you are gone?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I trust Dedue to be more capable than you in that aspect. You can barely take care of yourself,’’ Felix spoke coldly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Come one Felix, I’m not helpless!’’ Sylvain called dramatically.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Well more specifically Sylvain could take care of himself physically but not emotionally and Dimitri was vice versa. So maybe they could manage together? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’Just don’t get into shenanigans with Dimitri. I don’t want to come back only to find your two dead bodies,’’ he warned and Sylvain saluted.</p><p> </p><p>’’Roger to that.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix got into the car and was yet again thinking why they just couldn’t own two for their convenience. Yet Sylvain remained adamant about keeping throwing money at the local taxi industry- Well, more widely at anything as it was his family’s money.</p><p>Felix understood the retaliation as he resisted the urge to burn the Gautier mansion every time he passed it.</p><p>And now he was just needlessly stressing himself out. He should just direct all this anger to his coming opponents. </p><p>One was named Mentory, or was it Melody? Metodey? </p><p>He really couldn’t remember.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Dimitri’s meeting with Marianne had brought forward a question of how his sister must have fared. He hadn’t seen Edelgard in 5 years and she hadn’t paid him a visit at the hospital. He didn’t blame her for it, because the last time she had seen him was when he had an aggressive episode.</p><p> </p><p>’’I wonder just how Edelgard is doing…?’’ he wondered, petting one of Ashe’s cat’s, Macaroon. It layed next to him completely motionless, never minding Dimitri’s lack of an ability to adjust his strength to appropriate level.</p><p> </p><p>He soon took note of the concerned looks Ashe and Dedue were giving him.</p><p>’’Did I speak out loud?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s okay Dimitri. From what I heard from Caspar, she’s doing fine,’’ Ashe reassured.</p><p> </p><p>’’Didn’t you tell me she had a hard time after her uncle was convicted?’’ Dedue corrected and Ashe’s face fell.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, but Dimitri…’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You don’t need to lie for my sake Ashe. It’s fine,’’ Dimitri confirmed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Alright…’’ Ashe collected himself and picked up Pistachio, another cat, to sit in his lap for assurance. ’’After her uncle was convicted, she shared the stigma. She grew distant to even her friends. Only recently she has connected with Caspar and Linhardt again. I have only briefly seen her, and she has colored her hair platinum blond. It makes her seem… a little colder. I guess she didn’t want to be associated to her uncle by their looks either.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri felt bad that it hadn’t even crossed his mind at the time that Edelgard would share the burden of being related to a murderer and be judged for it. She hadn’t done anything wrong, and done the very opposite. She had even testified against Volkhard in court, and yet Dimitri had blamed her. </p><p><em> ’’This was your doing wasn’t it? You killed them!’’ </em> he had illogically deduced, and those were the last words he had spoken to her. All his own delusion manifested about how everyone connected to her uncle must have known about the scheme. It had only been his own paranoia and illness.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’I can imagine she has her own way of coping,’’ Dedue said calmly.</p><p> </p><p>’’…I should talk to her,’’ Dimitri concluded.</p><p> </p><p>’’A-Are you sure that’s a good idea? I mean the last time…’’ Ashe bit his lips together and Dedue stared at Dimitri evaluating before speaking.</p><p> </p><p>’’If that is what Dimitri desire’s, we should support it.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes… I have to face my past- or at least try. If Edelgard doesn’t want to associate with me, then at least I have gotten clarification for where we now stand,’’ Dimitri said, even if the thought pained him. While Edelgard wasn’t related to him by blood, she was still very much a sister to him.</p><p>’’I’ll give her a call.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What!? Right now?’’ Ashe panicked.</p><p> </p><p>’’The sooner the better, I think. She must already know about my release.’’ Dimitri rose from the couch, leaving Macaroon’s side and chose her number hoping it still remained the same.</p><p> </p><p>He excused himself to the guestroom for some privacy.</p><p> </p><p>+++ </p><p> </p><p>Between the dialing sound of the beeping phone Dimitri could hear the quiet lull of a humidifier next door at the terrace. The terrace remained cat free as it was where Dedue grew the most intriguing variety of plant life. </p><p> </p><p>Just as Dimitri began to prepare for a possibility that Edelgard might not even answer her phone, she spoke.</p><p> </p><p>’’Edelgard von Hresvelg. Who’s this?’’ Her voice was a little deeper, words were spoken quickly as if in a hurry.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s Dimitri,’’ he stated and the line went so silent Dimitri could hear the static.</p><p> </p><p>’’I was hoping we could talk,’’ he added hopefully as Edelgard hadn’t hung up. The line remained silent but Dimitri could hear the sound of paper being shuffled on the other side of the line.</p><p> </p><p>’’I can bear an hour for you this Tuesday. Otherwise I’m really busy,’’ she answered and he couldn’t help but to smile.</p><p> </p><p>’’I don’t have anything planned that day, it’s perfect. Thank you Edelgard.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’As long as you don’t cause a scene like last time,’’ she added with a flat tone.</p><p> </p><p>’’Of course. Cross my heart bear to die,’’ he swore and Edelgard let out a small relieved breath before speaking. She must have been as nervous as Dimitri.</p><p> </p><p>’’…I’ll text you the place tomorrow. Be sure to arrive in time.’’ Then she hung up and Dimitri let himself bask in hope that they could repair their relationship.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe his sister could find it in her heart to forgive him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain hadn’t brought up Dimitri again to Felix. Maybe the approaching group therapy session had driven him on edge, messing with his brain resulting in his vain attempt to create distance before his inevitable fall.</p><p>It was hard to tell from the outside but Sylvain hated himself.</p><p>It should have made things easier. To not be afraid of opening up, because no one could despise him more than he already did himself.</p><p>But it was the opposite. He was terrified of people close to him confirming those thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>How pathetic. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>In such a mood it was only fitting it was the first day of Sylvain’s scheduled group therapy session. He double checked the location and yes, it was here. Problem was he didn’t want to be too early so as to not have to wait out the awkward amount of time people would gather, thus he arrived five minutes before the fated hour.</p><p>The room was small, as he feared, with all too few people and none of them male, from what the name tags offered of the seated people. Sylvain had been prepared for this, statistically speaking, men were less likely to become victims of sexual assault, and/or less likely report them as they happened. </p><p>Of course, Sylvain would be the only one in this group of seven. Of course.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Hello. We were planning on begging soon. As this is a private confidential meeting, can I have your therapist’s name for authentication?’’ A young looking bluenette approached Sylvain, who, on the closer, had nonbinary flag colors painted in their nails. In their name tag was spelled Byleth.</p><p>
  <em>At least Sylvain wasn’t the only one in this space not belonging to the female population.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’Mercedes Von Martriz. Wouldn’t it be easier to just ask my name?’’ Sylvain wondered.</p><p> </p><p>’’She didn’t tell you? We’re all about confidentiality here. I have no knowledge of your name or background. All the other attendants here are, likewise, verified in their experience by an expert, but otherwise I, nor others attendants, don’t have any information about you or your situation. Everything, including your name, is something you alone decide whether to share or not,’’ Byleth explained.</p><p> </p><p>’’…Wow. Um. That’s a strict policy you have. Are all group sessions like this?’’ Sylvain laughed to dispute his growing nerves.</p><p> </p><p>Byleth didn’t even break a smile when answering.</p><p>’’Not sure, but this is how I do things. Here, write your preferred name here. Whether an alias or a real name, it’s your choice.’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain was provided with a name tag. Before he could hesitate more than he was already he wrote his real name. He would only be confused by an alias in the long run, and he didn’t want to lie anymore. He needed to face himself. </p><p>Byleth, seemingly satisfied, gestured to the chairs that had been arranged to a circle. There was luckily plenty of space between chairs as they were facing the center so that everyone could face each other equally.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain tried to not think, as he settled on to one of them and the remaining one was taken by Byleth. </p><p> </p><p>’’Hello everyone and thank you for coming. It must have taken great amount of courage to arrive here.’’ The therapist spoke.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> Yeah right. He came here all stressed out while here were these frail girls a foot or two smaller than him. Some probably had fear of men and here Sylvain was trying to belong. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>’’I’m the leading therapist for this circle, Byleth. I go by they and them pronouns. I will supervise these meetings and act as the one to steer the conversation during our meetings. I intend to create a space where you feel as safe as possible.’’ Byleth lead their gaze land on all of them for emphasis.</p><p>’’Now, if you don’t mind a small self introduction, as it’s a wall we must overcome. If everyone could speak their chosen name and pronouns and provide a small description why you’re here, I can get a feeling what kind of group dynamic we are dealing with. If anyone wants to go first it’s their choice. Otherwise I’ll just call the first one by name and we proceed clockwise from there,’’  they finished and the silence grew thick.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn’t a horrible request really, but whoever would start would create the standard for the answer by how much they were willing to share. Sylvain really didn’t want to be the one to break the ice.</p><p>Then a brunette girl stood up. Her posture spoke of confidence and her outfit of a great eye for fashion. It wouldn’t surprise Sylvain if he had seen her face in the cover of a magazine before.</p><p> </p><p>’’I can go first,’’ she offered.</p><p> </p><p>’’Go ahead,’’ Byleth granted the permission.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hello everyone, my name is Thea. I go by she and her pronouns. I- I came here because I want closer. For too long I have been brought down by my past, about how I once had to sell myself just to get by. ’’ Thea brought her hands together and squished them together as if to prevent them from shaking, but kept her head held high.</p><p> </p><p>’’I know it wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t my choice, but something I had to do to stay alive, but I know it was unfair. It was unfair and unspeakable evil to put a child through it. I’m here for her. I’m here for that child and convince myself, once and for all, that I’m worthy. I’m not dirty. I’m worthy of love. And nothing I did in the past was wrong, because of that I can stand here today.’’ Her voice was wavering, she was blinking frantically to keep away tears that were threatening to fall, and despite all that she remained standing tall. Thea was a strong woman, who Sylvain couldn’t help but to admire.</p><p> </p><p>’’T-That is all thank you,’’ she bowed slightly and Sylvain was clapping.</p><p> </p><p>It took him a minute to realize no one else was doing the same and he stopped abruptly. When he dared to look towards Thea to assess the damage, she was smiling brilliantly. A small unvoiced ’’thank you’’ left her lips, as she returned to being seated.</p><p>There was a short approving silence and small encouraging smiles thrown in Thea’s way.</p><p> </p><p>’’That was beautiful Thea,’’ Byleth voiced smiling diplomatically. ’’Who would like to go next?’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain felt it his duty to do so, only so that he could try to explain his presence as more than as an unwanted audience. </p><p>Also to lower the standard that Thea had created. </p><p>He was pretty sure no one could match a speech like that.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>When the introductions were over and few tiers had been shed, Byleth continued to lead the conversation with a firm clinical hand. Sylvain hadn’t felt like crying, when Byleth didn’t mimic any of the pained faces everyone else had been displaying. Yet the therapist remained professional, but not emotionally cold. They would offer a small nod to anyone speaking, and when struggling to speak up they assured that there was no hurry nor pressure of time here, and that everyone here understood. They all had gone through the same experience.</p><p>It was certainly a different approach to how Mercedes attacked every problem with relentless empathy.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Once the session was over Thea approached Sylvain.</p><p>’’I thank you for the support, back at the introductions.’’</p><p> </p><p>Her words left him totally confused.</p><p>’’Support-? You mean, when I clapped?’’ Sylvain made a guess.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, honestly I was just recounting what my therapist and I have been speaking about. Something I have to continue to assure to myself until I someday will begin to believe it,’’ she said earnestly. ’’No one else was reacting, and I would have probably stood there for Goodness knows how long before Byleth would have intervened, if you hadn’t broken the silence.’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain was taken back.</p><p>’’I- Wow. I’m just happy you weren’t offended. I just couldn’t help myself. I can only dream, I’m able to open up like the way you could.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Not at all. I say you yourself are plenty strong yourself to speak of those things with a smile on your face. Especially when…’’ Thea trailed off and Sylvain was grateful she didn’t voice it out loud.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That he was afraid of women.* </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’Smiling is just a reflex, not a conscious choice,’’ he stated slowly.</p><p> </p><p>’’I insist, it’s still admirable in its own right. You’re the only man here, and it speaks volumes about your courage,’’ she pressed kindly.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain wanted to deny it, but couldn’t. Scary how Thea saw through him like Mercedes.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’It’s only right I share my real name with you. My name’s Dorothea. I hope you continue to attend so you we can support one another.’’ She offered her hand only to retreat it by realization.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dorothea was indeed kind. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’Pleasure is all mine.’’ Sylvain offered an exaggerated bow instead, to which Dorothea let out a surprised chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>’’Very well then.’’ She returned the gesture with curtsy.</p><p> </p><p>’’You actually have the same name as my friend’s girlfriend. I think we will get along just swimmingly,’’ Sylvain offered to which Dorothea froze, caught off-guard.</p><p> </p><p>’’…Could you be referring to Ingrid? Is Sylvain your real name?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes…? Wait-! Don’t tell me-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I am. I’m Dorothea Arnault. I must say Sylvain, you aren’t at all as Ingrid described you,’’ she blandly stated, and Sylvain could imagine how Ingrid must have spoken of him as an unbearable womanizer.</p><p> </p><p>’’And I see Ingrid descriptions weren’t just viewed through love-struck glasses.’’ He offered with a wink.</p><p> </p><p>Both of them started to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, all the while Byleth remained standing by the door’s exit extremely confused.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*So yeah. In the original/Japanese Sylvain is confirmed to be afraid of women. I have translated both A and B of Mercedese’s and Sylvain’s conversations which refer to this. You can read them in the following links for canonical context:<br/><a href="https://summonerruoste.tumblr.com/post/191001681138/">B support</a><br/><a href="https://summonerruoste.tumblr.com/post/191002104308/">A support</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A Saving Grace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warning for a scene resembling something close to a panic attack.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>’’This is…?’’ Edelgard spoke in a questioning tone. He had brought a peace offering for her. Its lid was removed but otherwise remained untouched.</p><p> </p><p>’’A cake cutter,’’ Dimitri answered.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Last time he had given her a gift, it had been a knife for wood carving. Edelgard had been really good at it, so in 12 year old Dimitri's mind it hadn’t seemed weird. Others had called it strange and later Dimitri found out that Edelgard wasn’t really interested in wood carving and had only tried it initially to please her father.</p><p>Thus this time Dimitri had asked for advice of what to get for Edelgard from Ashe, who asked Caspar, who asked someone called Bernadetta who answered that Edelgard liked sweets. Dimitri really didn’t know if Edelgard baked herself or just enjoyed sweets, but either way a cake cutter seemed like a fitting gift.</p><p> </p><p>Edelgard studied the blade before nodding approvingly. She shut it back in its case passing it to Hubert, who in turn squinted his eyes at the case, suspicious.</p><p> </p><p>’’I wanted to formally apologize to you and Hubert of the trouble I had caused.’’ Dimitri referred to both of them.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri didn’t have Hubert’s contact information and was thankful he had shown up even when invited indirectly through Edelgard. Hubert acted much like her personal bodyguard, even if his build was anything but fitting. The last time Dimitri had seen them, he had tried to attack Edelgard, but Hubert had protected her. From what Dimitri later had heard of the incident, as his memory at that time was hazy, he had managed to break Hubert’s nose.</p><p>Even now it stayed a little crooked, a remainder of Dimitri’s violent outburst.</p><p>That must be why Edelgard chose this high-class cafe as their meeting place. There would be people that could restrain Dimitri if he were to have another fit.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Your apology is accepted.’’ Edelgard said all too easily that even Dimitri was taken aback.</p><p> </p><p>’’Edelgard-’’ Hubert hissed, completely flabbergasted.</p><p> </p><p>’’Your decision not to is completely fine Hubert, but I want to leave all this behind us already. Dimitri wasn’t in the good space of mind and to no fault of his own,’’ she spoke with calculated certainty.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s still not an excuse for what I did,’’ Dimitri agreed with the grudge Hubert must bear, yet Edelgard remained stern.</p><p> </p><p>’’And now you have come to apologize for it and I accept. Siblings fight all the time and forgive one another afterwards.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri felt too choked out to answer Edelgard's heart warming words. The bubbling feeling of joy and of relief left him brushing his remaining eye with a napkin. Once he had calmed down Dimitri noticed Hubert gazing at him guardedly.</p><p> </p><p>’’…Fine. If only because Edelgard wishes so,’’ he agreed, crossing his arms still reluctant.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank you Edelgard, Hubert,’’ Dimitri managed to keep his voice steady again.</p><p> </p><p>’’<em> But </em>. If you are to raise a hand against Edelgard ever again, I shall make sure you suffer the consequences of your betrayal for the rest of your miserable life,’’ Hubert spoke darkly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hubert!’’ Edelgard called with a disapprovingly frown and Dimitri chuckled in good humor shaking his head.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s alright. I wouldn’t have an excuse to do such a thing again, and I don’t think I could forgive myself at that point.’’</p><p> </p><p>Edelgard seemed to relax at the comment and a small smile crept to her features.</p><p>’’Then… Can I ask how you’ve been all these years?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Certainly, although I doubt it is pleasant to listen to.’’ Dimitri began.</p><p> </p><p>Hubert had seemingly lost interested in their conversation, more focused on his coffee than anything.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’ll be the one to decide that. I would like to know,’’ Edelgard offered and Dimitri agreed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Then in return I would like to hear about you.’’</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>An hour went by fast with the two siblings exchanging words. Dimitri learned Edelgard’s father had died of a long terminal cancer soon after Dimitri had been administered to the hospital. They had planned to give custody of Edelgard to her uncle, Volkhard, if he hadn't lasted to Edelgard’s adulthood, but luckily she had already managed to turn 18* at that point in time so she didn’t need a guardian. </p><p>Now she was well on her way to becoming a prosecutor, with the end goal of becoming a judge. It was a bit of surprise as Dimitri had surely thought she would take over the Von Hresvelg family business of trading, but maybe after everything that had happened with her uncle she resolved to take a different path. Not become overcome by greed for money and material.</p><p> </p><p>Edelgard had worked diligently on her education, while Dimitri had only the resources to focus on his mental health. Yet the time hadn’t torn them apart as Edelgard had offered for them to meet again next week and bid them farewell. Hubert had deemed Dimitri to be safe, for the time being, and said he won’t intrude on their meetings anymore.</p><p> </p><p>Before Hubert could take his leave, Dimitri apologized again formally.</p><p>’’I’m sorry again for assaulting you. And thank you Hubert, for staying with her, even after everything.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri should have been one to support her, but instead he had blamed her. Without Hubert she would have been all alone, without her father and tangled in her uncle’s plan without her consent. </p><p> </p><p>’’Please, I’m not so gullible as to let a few rumors tear us apart,’’ Hubert hummed with a smirk.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m glad to hear so,’’ Dimitri offered sincerely and the other man looked uncomfortable by such forward words.</p><p> </p><p>’’Goodbye. I hope we won’t have to see each other again,’’ Hubert stated as he left.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There wasn’t as much of a crowd gathered at the tournament grounds, which Felix appreciated. Yet one of his opponents had the most loud and annoying fan-club cheering him on. When he saw his opponent, Felix remembered that he (Mercury? Meredias?) had also done fencing. It was weird of him to switch to kendō instead, because if Felix remembered correctly, his footwork was perfect in that sport.</p><p>His guess was proven right, as the man’s handling of the shinai was sloppy, ill suited to someone who’s talent laid in swift movements meant to move in light gear.</p><p>It was Felix who won the tournament, and it meant he would have to prepare for the hearing that would decide if he could proceed with his career. It would be a hassle that he would rather not go through with.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’For someone who won, you aren’t wearing the face of one.’’ Catherine called.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sorry I’m not the sunshine child you hoped for.’’ Felix growled.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sorry, sorry. Shamir is also not as expressive, it reminds me of her is all,’’ she explained.</p><p> </p><p>Felix had no idea who this Shamir was, but didn’t point it out as Catherine was moving already to the next topic.</p><p>’’You might become a candidate for the national representative. It should be enough reason to smile at least a little.’’</p><p> </p><p>The said reality left Felix anxious. Not because of the crowds, nor the expectations people like Catherine would place on him, but the thought of winning. </p><p>Would he then be locked into this way of life? </p><p>Sometimes training seemed pointless, sometimes he hated the way the spotlights and the kendō uniform made him sweat bullets, sometimes he might even have momentarily hated the sport when the referees calls were biased. And if he would be locked in that way of life, he feared he would become to hate it even more.</p><p> </p><p>’’<em> And </em> that doesn’t brighten up you either.’’ Catherine noted shaking her head in disappointment.</p><p> </p><p>Felix glared at her in silence, but it lacked the intensity.</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t you have any support, or loved ones that would be proud of you to see you stand in the big stage?’’ Catherine was searching for a reason for Felix’s attitude.</p><p> </p><p>’’I have.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Then what seems to be the problem?’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix wasn’t good with words and he felt unqualified to explain as he couldn’t even articulate his own feelings.</p><p>’’Why did you quit being a professional athlete?’’ he asked instead.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jeritza, despite his great skills, had never pursued the sport professionally. He had always intended to teach, but Catherine had a career and yet she had quit. Not because of any injury or scandal. Felix thought if he could hear the reason, maybe he could compare them to his own.</p><p> </p><p>’’You’re asking me?’’ she smirked and Felix gave her a pointed look.</p><p> </p><p>’’You won’t probably believe me if I said it was my overall condition or age now would ya? Then I suppose I should be honest.’’ She stretched her arms like preparing for a match herself.</p><p> </p><p>’’There comes a point in every athlete’s life when you feel like you have reached a standstill. No matter how much you train you see the improvement less and less, until you start to feel your performance is more of a matter of good versus bad days. It’s easy to lose the spark you felt for the sport, and if not that, then see how others around you lose it. Its a depressing journey you take on alone as there is no team play in the individual sports.’’ There was no sadness in Catherine’s voice, just a mature resignation.</p><p> </p><p>All of it sounded a little too close to home with Felix.</p><p> </p><p>’’I see, you must feel the effects already this early,’’ she hummed.</p><p> </p><p>’’So, why did you turn to teaching?’’ Felix questioned instead.</p><p> </p><p>’’When you yourself can no longer improve, seeing others grow gives you meaning. If I’m lucky, then there'll be someone that will surpass even me. Actually I was beginning to place those hopes on you when you were still fencing, but now I see you're much better at this.’’ She gave Felix a soft nudge. ’’So don’t give up yet. Became that unbeatable world champion, or even just win the nationals beforehand. Then at least you have more credibility as teacher.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I haven’t said anything.’’ Felix reminded her.</p><p> </p><p>Catherine laughed.</p><p>’’Call me a mind reader then. Be sure to come tomorrow to the meeting with our sponsors.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah, yeah…’’</p><p> </p><p>It seemed he would have to get sick of the sport before retreating. At least Felix was good at turning his frustrations into power.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain was still in awe that he had met Dorothea before Ingrid had introduced them to each other. </p><p>’’I can’t believe Ingrid never introduced us,’’.</p><p> </p><p>’’I had my guesses- but now I’m thinking it’s because she knew we would get along too well,’’ Dorothea said in a manner of fact.</p><p> </p><p>Yes, the two of them had much in common. Shared trauma aside, both of them were bisexual disasters with withdrawn partners and were themselves extremely extroverted. Dorothea had attended theater school on top of that and Sylvain was always drawn to drama.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh, of all her plans gone to waste!’’ he sang mockingly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well, now that I know what kind of people she’s hiding from me, I demand a double date! I want to see this Felix with my own eyes,’’ Dorothea smiled mischievously.</p><p> </p><p>’’He’s not as social as me, but I can drag him out with us. He’ll join us, even if only for the food.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’He sounds like a troublesome pet,’’ Dorothea said offhandedly.</p><p> </p><p>’’He is…! -Please don’t tell him I said that.’’ Sylvain crossed his hands in a prayer.</p><p> </p><p>’’No promises, but I doubt he would stay angry. You two have dated for how many years now?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Three,’’ came a quick answer from Sylvain.</p><p> </p><p>’’Congratulations! We have dated for eight months,’’ Dorothea announced.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain blinked rapidly.</p><p>’’What!? Ingrid told us about you two only a few weeks ago.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Huh? Oh my sweet Ingrid… She’s so freshly out of the closet! My poor baby,’’ Dorothea made her own conclusions. </p><p> </p><p>’’Must be because of her father. But to us, it came as no surprise. She made it no secret the way the way she kept talking about boys. She saw them only as a nuisance,’’ Sylvain offered.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Ingrid's father had been a little too persistent on her getting a boyfriend, which had led her being in a closet far longer than necessary. From what she had told them, he was coming around the idea as long as Galatea's family line wouldn’t end with her.</p><p> </p><p>Dorothea groaned in recollection.</p><p>’’Tell me about it. Despite my gaydar going off the moment I saw her, I had to flirt with Ingrid for nearly 2 years before she even understood my intention. She was so oblivious! At one point I even started to doubt myself, but she was absolutely worth it.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Wow. That’s- I wouldn’t have guessed,’’ Sylvain offered sympathetically, which seemed to flare Dorothea even more up.</p><p> </p><p>’’Really! And- Oh, look at the time!’’ she suddenly noted, and he too glanced at the bar’s clock behind him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Wow we were really at it.’’</p><p> </p><p>They had spoken for 5 hours non stop. Maybe this was the real reason Ingrid hadn’t introduced them to each other?</p><p> </p><p>’’Well, here’s my number, I really have to go so Ingrid won’t have to worry. Let’s talk about that double date okay?’’ Dorothea offered with a charming smile.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain absentmindedly thought about how he hadn’t gotten or asked for a girl’s number in a few years now.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sure thing,’’ he agreed.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain hadn’t been out this late in a while and the neighborhood was unfamiliar to him. The cafe-bar Dorothea and him had been to, was only a short walk away from their group therapy’s meeting place and Sylvain didn’t know to what address he should call the taxi. He wandered aimlessly until he picked a street corner that was visible and distinct enough to easily direct someone to.</p><p> </p><p>He picked up his phone, was about to dial a familiar number when a woman’s voice interrupted him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain, it has been ages! What are you doing here?’’ A drunk older woman was in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>A burst of warning bells ran inside Sylvain’s head. The voice was familiar, she was one of the guests from that party the Gautier family had hosted.</p><p>’’I saw a friend, and was just about to take my leave actually,’’ he tried to keep his voice light, and not be swept in an unnerving sense of dread. </p><p> </p><p><em> ’’A friend? </em>Is that truly so? I have heard you’re known as quite a womanizer.’’ She drew closer to him.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m not. I’m actually dating someone right now. A man actually,’’ Sylvain laughed nervously and took a step back, but she caught him by the arm. Either by intention, or by the inability to control her strength in her drunken state, her nails dug into his skin.</p><p> </p><p>’’You won’t need to lie to me. I have seen what a <em> naughty </em> boy you are. Or am I too old for your tastes now that I’m what, 10 or 15 years older?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I-It’s not that-’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain felt helpless. Like he was a small child again unable to fight back, even as a grown man.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> All those years he had tried to prove himself how he wasn’t afraid. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To sleep around with girls to prove he had control when he didn’t had lacked it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Once he had realized this and stopped, somehow the fear had intensified. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Now he couldn’t even move when this woman was holding on to him. </em>
</p><p><em>Paralyzed</em> <em>  in terror just by contact. </em></p><p>
  <em> He had grown weak- </em>
</p><p>
  <b>  </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>No, he always had been this weak.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b><em>He had just hid it.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain?’’ A familiar deep voice called.</p><p>By some miracle Dimitri was here. Sylvain didn’t know how his newly released friend kept finding him, but he thanked whatever gods or the Goddess herself that had brought him here at this exact moment.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh, your partner? You weren’t lying then?’’ She released Sylvain’s hand, but smiled all too sweetly. ’’<em> Another time then </em>. You know now where to find me.’’</p><p> </p><p>She left and Sylvain felt like he was on the verge of passing out.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri approached, unaware.</p><p>’’Was that your acquaintance?’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain <em> wanted </em>to laugh.</p><p>He<em> wanted </em>to leave that situation already behind him or pretend that it hadn’t ever happened, but he couldn’t.</p><p>Sylvain was doing his utmost just trying to not hyperventilate.</p><p>All the feelings of shame, powerlessness and fear manifesting.</p><p>He just couldn’t stop shaking.</p><p>Of anger towards himself or the woman from before?</p><p>
  <em> He didn’t know. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>’’You don’t look well Sylvain. Are you alright-’’</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly Sylvain’s vision grew blurred, his feet betrayed him, but Dimitri who was quick to break his fall and steadied him arms on his sides.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain?’’</p><p>Despite Dimitri’s worried tone and Sylvain’s attempt at trying to get a grip, somehow he couldn’t even muster the strength to stand on his own. His vision was clear again, but his feet were too wobbly and when he tried to laugh, it came out as a choked breath instead. Before he realized himself he had started to cry uncontrollably.</p><p> </p><p>’’Do I need to call for help or-?’’ Dimitri questioned quietly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Please just stay here. I-I just-’’ Sylvain’s speech came in weak with between his sobbing.</p><p> </p><p>’’Alright.’’ Dimitri caught his meaning and wrapped his arms fully around Sylvain into an embrace. He was essentially supporting Sylvain’s full weight, keeping him standing.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank you… I… just… Thank you…’’ Sylvain chanted while he was holding on to his friend like his life depended on it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Everything was fine, Dimitri was here. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything was fine. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*At the age of 18, you are seen as an adult in most of European countries. Thus I made it so in Fódlan as well.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Orchestra</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>At times like these Dimitri felt ashamed he didn’t have his other eye anymore. He had an assigned driver from the Blaiddyd family that would take him where he needed. It was only a minor handicap that Dimitri himself couldn’t drive, but undoubtedly Sylvain would have been more comfortable sharing what had left him in such a panicked state without the presence of a third person.</p><p>At least in the back seat Dimitri could take care of his friend’s well being. After Sylvain had calmed down he was acting suspiciously normal all things considered. </p><p> </p><p>’’Did you hurt yourself?’’ Dimitri asked.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain jumped lightly at the sound of his voice. He must have been in deep thought.</p><p>’’Huh? Sorry I wasn’t listening.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Is something wrong with your wrist? You keep tracing it,’’ Dimitri repeated and the other was quick to laugh it off.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah, no, I’m fine. I’m fine just a little shaken.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’But-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s totally okay Dimitri. I promise!’’ Sylvain smiled the same as he always did, no traces of the incident from before.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri had always had a really hard time getting a read on Sylvain. They all would have never known about Miklain’s abuse if they hadn’t caught the man in the act. All the bruises and scratches Sylvain was quick to blame on accidents of varying degree of falling or otherwise just hurting himself. He could lie with ease, but the question of why was always left unanswered. Now Dimitri thinks he has found at least some kind of pattern.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sylvain lies about getting hurt. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>When they arrive at the apartment, it's dark and silent. Dimitri didn’t see the signs of the snappy athlete anywhere.</p><p>’’When will Felix come home?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’He won’t, remember? He has a tournament?’’ Sylvain reminded.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh…’’</p><p> </p><p>It was getting late, but honestly Dimitri was too worried to leave Sylvain to his own devices. Not when this was the first time he had seen the other cry.</p><p>Dimitri wasn’t great at reading between the lines and could be socially awkward, but despite all that he knew Sylvain had calmed down from his support. If he could offer any kind of peace of mind to his friend, then he would gladly do so.</p><p> </p><p>’’Would I be intruding if I were to stay over for tonight?’’ he asked and Sylvain was stunned for a moment.</p><p> </p><p>’’I wouldn’t mind, but what about your meds? You good?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, I always carry extra with me for these kinds of situations,’’ he responded. If nothing else Dimitri knew never to let himself get to a point where he could relapse, and that meant he had to assure he always would have some extra medicine with him.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain chuckled amused.</p><p>’’Prepared aren’t you, even if Felix treats you otherwise. Then feel free to.’’</p><p> </p><p> +++</p><p> </p><p>It was already late so Sylvain and him were getting the guestroom ready. Dimitri felt a little melancholic on the aspect that they would no longer have sleepovers like when they were younger. Felix, Ingrid, Sylvain and him all used to sleep on the same bed, or rather try to stay awake as late as they could. Felix was always the first one to fall asleep, then Ingrid or him would soon follow suit. Dimitri had always wondered if Sylvain had trouble falling asleep.</p><p>If Dimitri would be able to see his friend’s in peaceful slumber, he would have undoubtedly been able to find peace of mind that his friend was indeed fine.</p><p>He shook his head embarrassed.</p><p>-No he shouldn’t think that. Felix and Sylvain were now dating, so they had to have some boundaries about things like this. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was silent, he realized. </p><p>Dimitri had assumed Sylvain would be the one to bring up what happened, but the more the silence went on the more unlikely it would be. It was unlike Sylvain to not be the spokesperson, which just spoke volumes of whatever had happened must have left him much more shaken that he had let on.</p><p> </p><p>’’…Would you mind telling me what happened there?’’ Dimitri questioned and Sylvain paused for a second in consideration before resuming with what he was doing.</p><p> </p><p>’’It was just someone in terms with the Gautier family. A lady little too persistent for my taste. I rather not talk about it.’’ The words were spoken with attempted casualness, but leaked of exhaustion.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri understood not to question further.</p><p>’’If that is what you wish…’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain managed a smile at his answer.</p><p>’’So on to another topic! I can lend you some clothes for the night. Might be a tad small for you, but let’s try to find something that could fit you.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There had been some kind of breakthrough on Dimitri’s part. The boar seemed to have realized he could drop by to see his friends, instead of them having to be the first to make the offer.</p><p>Or in Felix's case, he just invited himself in. </p><p> </p><p>It was a welcome change of pace as Felix didn’t have to make sure Dimitri hadn’t kicked a bucket as often. But there was still this odd remnant of Dimitri’s strict upbringing, which led him to not come over empty handed.  Thus Sylvain’s and his apartment was slowly drowning in flower and plant life.</p><p>Apparently Dimitri had gotten the idea from his friend, the cult girl Marianne, because plants had helped her with her depression. Then when he had added Dedue to the mix, who already had a green thumb, a disaster of plant life taking over their apartment had been born.</p><p>Felix actually dreaded seeing how Dimitri’s house must have turned to a jungle when theirs was not far from it, but when he had come to visit only a single cactus was there.</p><p> </p><p>’’We should tell him to stop. We’re all out of room here,’’ Sylvain unhelpfully commented while watering the said plants.</p><p> </p><p>’’Then he’ll just give us something else every time he visits.’’ Felix groaned, feeling the beginning of a headache creeping in. Dimitri was stubborn and would definitely find something else to drown their home in.</p><p> </p><p>’’Better than this. We could ask for more plates- or maybe glasses? We have broken quite a few of those.’’ Sylvain was acting too relaxed about the topic as always.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain…’’</p><p> </p><p>’’If you won’t say it to him, I will. It won’t hurt his feelings. You know how he’ll go overboard if you don’t give him clear directions,’’ Sylvain pointed out, and Felix hated how he was right.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Then Felix’s phone was ringing with messages from Ingrid. He read the messages with disdain.</p><p> </p><p>’’Who the hell is Dorothea?’’ he voiced, and Sylvain, as always, had an answer.</p><p> </p><p>’’She’s Ingrid’s girlfriend.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’She’s offering to host a party for Ingrid’s and her 8 month and a half anniversary tomorrow. …Who even does that?’’ Felix repeated.</p><p> </p><p>’’Girls apparently,’’ Sylvain offered, unbothered.</p><p> </p><p>’’I hate parties,’’ Felix stated his voice flat and his boyfriend was snickering.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey, it can’t be that bad. Who’s been invited?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Just us.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’See? Not that bad?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Is this supposed to be some romantic double date?<em> Gross </em>. I refuse to participate.’’ Felix felt goosebumps from just visualizing such a social event. He hated the forced nature of all formalities, and after his father hadn’t invited him to their company's orchestrated parties anymore, he had thought he was finally free of them.</p><p> </p><p>’’We could just suggest bringing someone with us so it won’t be. How about Ashe and Dedue?’’ Sylvain offered.</p><p> </p><p>Felix shook his head.</p><p>’’Those two are the embodiment of lovey-dovey.’’ The two of them worked, cooked and lived together. If Felix had to spend all the hours of his day with Sylvain by his side, he would explode. Dedue and Ashe were completely out of the question.</p><p> </p><p>’’Then accept our fate, it won’t be that bad,’’ Sylvain spoke all too happily, and it’s when Felix came up with an idea to swipe away his boyfriend’s smug expression.</p><p> </p><p>’’We’ll invite Dimitri, so you can tell him to stop with the plants.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s your reason? Well, if the girls are okay with that,’’ Sylvain agreed with a sigh and Ingrid was quick to reply to Felix.</p><p> </p><p>’’They said sure,’’ he informed Sylvain, who looked resigned to his new fate.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Felix had left him the unpleasant task of bringing Dimitri’s new found enthusiasm down a notch. The way Dimitri apologized profoundly was really unnecessary for just trying to lift their moods up and going a little too far. </p><p> </p><p>Honestly Sylvain still felt… awkward around Dimitri to say the least. A few weeks had passed already since his panic attack, but he could still feel how his friend gave him the concerned look. Or maybe it was all inside his head,just delusion. Sylvain had always tried his best not to let his friends see the weaker side of him. He could have blamed it on some weird legacy of the oldest that Glenn had left behind to keep their group together, but he knew the real reason. </p><p>He liked to pretend and live as his worries and troubles didn’t exist. Out of the mind, out of his world. As long as he didn’t acknowledge them, he didn’t have to confront them and could continue as though they never even existed.</p><p>So when someone else witnessed him struggle, Sylvain would have to face that problem whether he liked it or not. And even when it was one of his therapy's end goals to tell his friends and Felix about what had happened, he really wasn’t ready to open up that can of worms.</p><p> </p><p>Not yet.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Their trio gathered in front of a decorated door. The nameplate had both Ingrid’s and Dorothea’s last names. According to Ingrid they had been dating for only a few months before they had already moved in together.</p><p>
  <em> Sapphic couples sure move fast with their relationships.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The door opened and Dorothea in elegant red dress greeted them, making them feel less than representative. Ingrid was quick to join her, who wore much more of a casual attire.</p><p> </p><p>’’Welcome to our humble apartment! As you can see, not too much space here, but glad you could make it,’’  she welcomed them in.</p><p> </p><p>It was much smaller than Dimitri’s new apartment building. It was pretty easy to distinguish who the individual furniture originally belonged to just by their looks. -Or maybe Sylvain just had been enough to Ingrid’s house that he recognized the pieces she had brought with her when she moved. Old but sturdy furniture, which quite a few of them had been covered in new paint by Ingrid’s handwork. Dorothea seemed to own much more subtle things, like ornaments and lace pillows laid above Ingrid’s wooden chairs.</p><p> </p><p>’’Finally I get to see you all. You’re all dear to Ingrid which is why I hope we all will get along.’’ Dorothea had a familiar smile that leaked of charisma.</p><p> </p><p>’’Likewise. It’s great to see you. Ingrid has spoken highly of you. It’s a joy to see you in person,’’ Dimitri offered.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m flattered. You’re quite a charmer,’’ her smile widened.</p><p> </p><p>’’T-That’s just Dimitri’s way of speech! This is Dorothea,’’ Ingrid clarified.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, Sylvain and I have already met, but I would like to hear about these two gentlemen.’’ Dorothea and Sylvain exchanged a secretive look.</p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri Blaiddyd, at your service,’’ Dimitri with a small bow, and Felix just crossed his arms.</p><p> </p><p>’’Felix.’’ </p><p> </p><p>’’Wonderful! Then let us cheer for my lovely Ingrid’s courage to finally introduce me to her friends,’’ Dorothea called and offered them fizzy drinks of soda. She and Sylvain were both on daily medication meant for anxiety disorders, so alcohol was a no go to them as well as for Dimitri.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea-!’’ Ingrid called embarrassed, but Dorothea just smiled and pressed a kiss on her forehead.</p><p> </p><p>’’Cheers!’’ she called.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s amusing to think you and Felix are dating! You don’t act at all like a couple,’’ Dorothea noted.</p><p> </p><p>’’Felix really isn’t that in to PDA,’’ Sylvain explained, and Felix elbowed him hard on the stomach.</p><p> </p><p>’’I would think the way Dimitri keeps gazing at Sylvain I think there is <em> something </em> going on,’’ she continued smiling slyly.  </p><p> </p><p>’’Ah- That’s-’’ Dimitri stuttered as he had been caught in the act.</p><p> </p><p>’’Absolutely nothing for you to worry about dear Dorothea!’’ Sylvain proclaimed loudly. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He hadn’t imagined it? Now he felt even more awkward. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Ingrid and Felix exchanged questioning looks with each other. Some kind of nonverbal communication and now Sylvain knew Felix would question him later which really wasn’t good. </p><p> </p><p>’’I’ve been wondering just how have you and Dorothea already met?’’ Felix switched the subject in his favor, because his boyfriend was lovely like that. Someone to not cause a scene in public, only to yell at him later at home.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh, it was after-’’ Dorothea began, but Sylvain was quick to fill in.</p><p> </p><p>’’A shared appointment! Totally a coincidence!’’</p><p> </p><p>Dorothea didn’t seem to mind, and catching his panic and she continued skipping the spefic context.</p><p>’’Yes, I was surprised when we shared our names and he made a comment about his friend’s girlfriend sharing the same name!’’</p><p>She then turned to her girlfriend with a pound.</p><p>’’<em>I</em><em>ngrid </em>, you’ve been hiding for me,’’ she accused and Ingrid’s face reddened.</p><p> </p><p>’’I- These boys have no manners, especially Sylvain,’’ she stated and Sylvain opposed loudly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey!’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix really didn’t bother arguing, because he was self-aware of himself and his anti-social tendencies.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well except Dimitri, even if you’re a bit too earnest at times,’’ Ingrid retracted little of her blunt statement.</p><p> </p><p>’’Too earnest? I’m not sure how to work on that…’’ Dimitri, always the one to take everything others said to heart, considered out loud.</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t worry about that. Ingrid is just having one of her days as a stuck up etiquette superior,’’ Felix grunted.</p><p> </p><p>’’Felix, that is no way to speak about me,’’ Ingrid challenged, but Felix just clicked his tongue.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dorothea burst into the fit of hysteric giggling, to which everyone remained unaware of what had led to such a response.</p><p>’’You’re indeed childhood friends. Never expected to see a performance just like one would have on a stage. I’m a little jealous,’’ she explained in the midst of her giggles.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea…’’ Ingrid’s voice lowered in a concern or pity, but Dorothea soon gathered herself and spoke brightly.</p><p> </p><p>’’I just thought of an absolutely brilliant idea! We should perform an impromptu musical!’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Huh?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Really?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’How would we do that?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Glad you asked, my dear Dimitri.’’ Dorothea rose from her seat. ’’I’ll serve as a singer while you play, of course! You all already have your chosen instrument and you have the capacity to play from what I heard. All we have to do is choose a piece to play.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’But we don’t have any of our instruments with us,’’ Sylvain stated.</p><p> </p><p>’’True, but Ingrid has her violin here and I own a guitar,’’ Dorothea countered.</p><p> </p><p>The childhood trio all stared at Felix with tight expressions.</p><p> </p><p>’’Felix… You don’t have to-’’ Sylvain carefully called, but Felix interrupted.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s fine.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It had been a while Felix had played a guitar in front of the others. It was just a stupid instrument. It shouldn’t have any significance on its own. It wasn’t even Glenn’s instrument.</p><p>He struggled to grasp the motor memory again as he tuned the thing.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey, Felix was it?’’ Dorothea whispered besides him.</p><p> </p><p>’’What?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I can tell the mood is tense whenever you play a note.’’ She looked around the room with significance.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah, everyone is just weird about this as my dead brother also used to play with us,’’ he spoke a little louder so that everyone should stop flinching. That seemed to do the trick, as Sylvain was quick to nudge Ingrid and Dimitri gently.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m sorry for your loss,’’ Dorothea spoke looking ashamed to bring up such a sore topic.</p><p> </p><p>’’It was 5 years ago. No need to make a big deal out of it.’’ Felix was half convinced everyone had a harder time than he had with said concept.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He had to deal with his brother’s loss multiple times during his transition. The psychiatrist made an argument many times how Felix just wanted to imitate, or even worse <em> become his brother </em>, now that he was gone. No one could take Glenn’s place, and even when he explained it as such, he was still sent to further psychological evaluation. It made him hate every bit of the system he was under. It didn’t matter that he had already been coming to the clinic before Glenn’s death. They were all just excuses to stop him from ’’regretting it’’.</p><p>But if nothing else, thanks to that detour he had met Bernadetta and Lysithea and they all could vent about the outdated system together.  </p><p>All the talk surrounding Glenn had been twisted and sculpted over many times during his diagnosing state. How yes, Felix admired him, but no, Glenn wasn’t perfect and he didn’t want to become him, even if apparently you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead. Glenn was talented at his job, but outside of it he was socially awkward. He had a foul mouth and no social filter, worse than Dimitri, yet all was forgiven by Rodrigue as he succeeded in what their father deemed important.</p><p>Rodrigue didn’t have much of an opinion on his transition. He had just stated; <em> how it had been a little unexpected, and he had previously thought how her late wife had only borne one son </em>. It had hurt Felix, that his father seemed to think he wasn’t a male from birth but rather just becoming one, yet Rodrigue came to reluctantly support Felix.</p><p> </p><p>Felix had grown tired of talking about Glenn more than himself during those sessions, and how all his father would speak is just how heroic Glenn had been when protecting Dimitri. It all had lead to why he hadn’t spoken about Glenn with his friends, who seemed to still interpret it as ’’Felix hasn’t gotten over it.’’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He really should clarify that misunderstanding. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Okay. Thank you for sharing,’’ Dorothea pat his head like she would do with a pet. Dorothea was loud, or so Felix found her, but not obnoxious.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>They played, or more like Felix and Ingrid played, while Sylvain offered a small steady beat with his leg and Dimitri served as an audience. When Dorothea began to sing the words were clearly made up in the spot as the piece was originally only instrumental, but she sang with such confidence that whatever she sang about didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that Ingrid couldn’t quite keep up the pace nor that Felix hit the notes so off key he cringed. It felt like the house's glasses would shatter, but not from the high notes, but from the sheer force of Dorothea’s voice. She was indeed fitted to be a Mittelfrank’s opera singer rising up in popularity. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’It really wouldn’t have mattered if we would have played or not,’’ Felix said after they were finished.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes. Thea, you can shine so brilliantly on your own.’’ Ingrid confirmed, clearly little ashamed of her own performance.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hush now dear. Of course I needed you, it’s more fun that way! Next time we make a performance, I want to hear Sylvain and Dimitri play.’’ Dorothea spoke encouragingly.</p><p> </p><p>’’I haven’t played in 5 years,’’ Dimitri admitted.</p><p> </p><p>’’Neither had Ingrid nor Felix. It’ll be fun! You get to play that fancy piano of your’s,’’ Sylvain assured him.</p><p> </p><p>’’I play, now and then,’’ Felix in turn confessed.</p><p> </p><p>Surprised faces turned to him, but Ingrid in turn was apparently more offended.</p><p>’’That explains why you could keep up! I thought I was-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You have?’’ Dimitri questioned in such a wonder, that Felix had to turn his eyes elsewhere. He didn't want to blush under those clear blue eyes.</p><p> </p><p>’’I test and tune it whenever I visit father. It’s a waste otherwise. Instruments are meant to be played, not just left on display,’’ he mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>’’I have heard no objections, so next time we meet up we perform Tchaikovsky’s Waltz of the Flowers or Swan Lake!’’ Dorothea called in delight.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea, those classical pieces are hard…!’’ Ingrid seemed uncomfortable at the idea of having her skills compared with others. Felix assumed she mustn't have played after she had failed onstage during middle school.</p><p> </p><p>’’I might have the notes for those song stored somewhere...’’ Dimitri spoke lost in thought.</p><p> </p><p>’’So we became a music club and all, but are your neighbors okay?’’ Sylvain asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’They should be. It isn’t too late yet, and if they aren’t, they should do something about that poor dog that barks after them every morning,’’ Dorothea boldly proclaimed.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So Felix’s experience with the trans-clinic is based on my own experience here in Finland. Trans clinics here suck and operate on really outdated basis. They expect you to not have any kind of mental health problems when your about to get treatment, and try to not have any kind of problems when you're in the wrong body. :) Try it. I dare you.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Doubts</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>’’Dorothea, you’re the only one I can turn to…! Please help me!’’ Sylvain pleaded.</p><p> </p><p>It had been <em>months</em> and Dimitri was still checking up on him regularly. Maybe Dimitri thought Sylvain had an incurable disease or was otherwise slowly dying, because he sure acted like it. He expressed clear concern every time Sylvain did or said anything that had possible negative indications, whether as small as a cough or just a casual comment about not having slept well last night. It was slowly getting to him especially when Felix would go as far as to even encourage it.</p><p> </p><p>Guilty is what Sylvain felt, even if he technically hadn’t done anything to award such worry from his friend.</p><p>-Okay scratch that, he had totally lied which had resulted in the current situation.</p><p>He had lied for a long time, but this was the first time after Miklain’s abuse that someone knew for certainty that something else was wrong.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’Let me repeat what you just told me. You haven’t told ANY of your friends about your trauma?’’ Dorothea asked for clarification. She had thought that either Dimitri or/and Ingrid were not in the know of his situation, thus she kindly hadn’t questioned and played along with Sylvain when covering up the fact they went to therapy together.</p><p> </p><p>’’No,’’ Sylvain confirmed.</p><p> </p><p>’’And you knew each other- no, you all were friends when<em> all that </em> was still taking place.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What can I say, I was and am a convincing liar.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dorothea’s face fell in understanding.</p><p>’’I’m sorry you have felt that way, but I think it’s a time you told them.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I was afraid you would say that.’’ Sylvain sighed. Mercedes had given him the same advice when had confided the same dilemma to her.</p><p> </p><p>’’If, like you have stated, your friend knows that something is indeed wrong and is adamant about protecting you for whatever that would be- Then you logically either explain him the situation or live with your current one and wait until you’re ready,’’ Dorothea reasoned and Sylvain couldn’t argue with her logic as much he wanted to.</p><p> </p><p>’’Either way I have to tell him sooner or later,’’ he spoke in a hopeless tone.</p><p> </p><p>Dorohea offered a kind smile.</p><p>’’If I can offer any words of comfort; Ingrid knows everything about my past and accepts me completely.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yet all the men that are victims of sexual assault are made fun of, or even better, they don’t believe it can happen. Especially, that a woman could be capable of sexual violence. Best case scenario is that they say I’m lucky, and that, <em> shouldn't it be a man’s dream to score an older woman at such a young age. </em>’’ He must have cracked a little too self-deprecating joke as Dorothea’s voice became serious.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain, you were <em> a child </em>. You couldn’t have given consent.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I have seen the conversation, even if it’s nearly non existent. My whole experience is a joke or an impossibility. When a woman is talking about sexual assault she can be called a liar, or despicable people can say that ’’she deserved it’’. But men<em> can’t be </em> victims of sexual assault, because that makes them ’’weak’’, and when the assaulting person is a woman it can’t be acknowledged, because that would mean men could be ’’weaker’’ than women. That’s patriarchy on it’s best!*’’ Sylvain laughed bitterly at the state of the world.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It seemed inevitable people like Dorothea and him would be rejected from the public, even if for different reasons. All because of circumstances neither could control.</p><p> </p><p>Doubts of how if he would have fought back harder or called for help, he might not be here.</p><p>
  <em> Or if only he had been stronger. </em>
</p><p>Yet he couldn’t change his past as much as yearned it. He would always be held down by them.</p><p>He couldn’t escape it.</p><p>Sylvain could never escape it.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’…I know I can’t say for certain how your friends will react, but I can assure that I will make them realize their mistake if they are to insult you because of it.’’ Dorothea spoke with conviction. ’’I’m your ally in all this, and if Ingrid were to be so blind as to not take you seriously, then I’m not afraid to step on her feet with my high heels.’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain was a little taken back by her confidence. No doubt would she actually go through with her threat.</p><p>’’…You’re a sadist Dorothea.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Only when people insult me or my friends. You should have seen how many wallets I had stolen on my way out after I was done with them,’’ she spoke with a mischievous spark in her eyes. </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain found himself relaxing.</p><p>’’You’re absolutely crazy Dorothea. …Thank you.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t mention it, but if it actually comes to it, then don’t hesitate to give me their names and addresses. I’ll show them that not only is my voice powerful.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was late afternoon and Dimitri assumed Sylvain would be home after his lectures as it was a weekday. He rang a bell and it was Felix who answered.</p><p> </p><p>’’Is Sylvain home yet?’’ he questioned.</p><p> </p><p>’’He just went out. Didn’t ask where,’’ Felix simply said and Dimitri couldn’t help the disappointment that leaked to his face.</p><p> </p><p>’’You can still come in and wait for him,’’ his friend offered, like this had already become a routine. Maybe it had, as Dimitri hadn’t kept track.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank you, I’ll take you up on your offer.’’  </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain’s and Felix’s apartment always felt more warm and comfortable to Dimitri, than his own. Or maybe it was purely because of the company that he felt that way?</p><p>Dimitri had spent a long time in the hospital with constant monitoring and scheduled days shared by all the residents and patience there. He had adjusted to that, and after gaining his own home and space, all he had had time to think was how he would schedule his own days without someone reminding him.</p><p>He would many times forget to eat and only notice when it was already time for dinner. After his ability to taste had completely vanished he rarely felt hungry, and soon after a few days on his own, he realized it was something he would have to manually make sure he did everyday. Felix and Dedue were great help when it came to cooking, but now Dimitri no longer felt as helpless in that aspect.</p><p> </p><p>Now that he had time to think, he would think about his friends. What was Felix’s training schedule, would it be an interruption if Dimitri were to join him? Would Sylvain be willing to share his school schedule with him, and if they matched could meet somewhere afterwards?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Was it weird of him to want to spend this much time with them? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Surely, Felix came to pay him a visit whenever he had time and Sylvain was always quick to reply to his messages and they could talk with him for hours through the phone, but was he just imagining it? </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> What if they felt it as only an obligation? </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Before Dimitri’s thought spiraled out of control, he voiced them.</p><p>’’Are you sure I’m not an inconvenience?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Do you think I would have invited you here if I thought so?’’ Felix asked bluntly.</p><p> </p><p>From his fed up tone Dimitri guessed the answer.</p><p>’’No…?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Then there's your answer.’’ Felix said and Dimitri’s anxiety let up, just a little.</p><p> </p><p>’’What about Sylvain? Am I bother to him?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’If this is again about your sense of self-worth, I’ll say again none of us are here for you out of pity. We all love- We are your friends. So stop it,’’ Felix growled.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah, yes. Thank you for the reminder. But I was more concerned about your relationship, and if I was a hindrance?’’ Dimitri wondered and Felix looked disturbed, face twisted something between a frown and a scowl.</p><p> </p><p>’’Relationship? You mean me and Sylvain?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, I mean- I do spent time with Dedue and Ashe, but we all tend to stay together, while with you and Sylvain I tend to take up both of your individual time of day-’’ Dimitri explained, but Felix spoke over him in an exasperation.</p><p> </p><p>’’You think I care? I don’t. We do our own thing and are certainly not always together like Ashe and Dedue. There are times when I can deal with the both of you and Sylvain, sometimes just one of you, sometimes I need to be on my own. So no. You’re not <em>hindering our relationship</em>, or whatever bullshit your messed up brain comes up with.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s… good to hear,’’ Dimitri spoke to himself.</p><p> </p><p>Felix took a deep breath and added quietly.</p><p>’’…Sylvain needs more attention that I can give him, so you’re a welcome addition to his sanity. He seems happier.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Really? I’m not sure- But if then…’’ Dimitri mumbled.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sylvain had seemed tense as of it late, or did he notice it while Felix did not? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Felix took the conversation to the accurate root of the problem.</p><p>’’So what happened with you and Sylvain? I asked him and he said you just gave him a lift and you stayed here for a night, but I think there is more to it.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri was caught off guard. The new information that even Felix didn’t have the knowledge of what happened to Sylvain back then. It would be obvious to confide in your partner if nothing else, but if his friend hadn’t…</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m afraid if Sylvain isn’t comfortable sharing, then I should also refrain from telling,’’ he determined, but Felix didn’t seem to mind and only hummed approvingly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri had gotten to the point of having a few guesses which possible conundrum had left Sylvain so shaken. The logical conclusion was that it had something to do with the Gautier family, as the woman he had been talking to, had been related to them. As for the specifics it could be something to do with Miklain.</p><p>He had already died in jail after arranged assassination attempt on Sylvain, so what could have he done anymore? Maybe someone working for Miklain had come to finish the job, but even all his known lackeys had been captured and sentenced.</p><p> </p><p>Or maybe someone powerful was threatening the Gautier family as a whole?</p><p> </p><p>Maybe Sylvain’s parents were the target this time?</p><p> </p><p>Maybe they had been kidnapped and were used in an attempt to blackmail Sylvain?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Maybe- </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix said something, yet Dimitri had a hard time understanding the words spoken to him in the midst of his contemplation.</p><p>’’I apologize, I was far too deep in thought,’’ he admitted.</p><p> </p><p>’’I can see that. The boar prince nearly resurfaced,’’ Felix spoke with a chilling glare that made Dimitri reconsider his position. He had been squishing his hands together so hard that he was surprised his nails hadn't drawn blood.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah, I see... I shall be more careful,’’ he apologized and let his hands fall to his lap limp.</p><p> </p><p>’’Have you take your medicine as intended?’’ Felix was first to question.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, this digital clock is quite handy in that aspect. It reminds me with a quite a loud beep at the specific time. I have also marked the medicine bottles by their week date,’’ Dimitri spoke nearly proudly which seemed to satisfy the athlete.</p><p> </p><p>’’Don’t strain your eye too much,’’ Felix warned and Dimitri smiled, thankful.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m careful. Thank you for always worrying about me Felix.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’…Well, you’re looking after Sylvain so it’s only fair.’’ Felix turned his gaze elsewhere, flustered. It was a very endearing gesture to Dimitri’s eyes.</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>Before Dimitri could dwell in that thought longer, his phone rang with a loud ringtone. He hurriedly picked it up.</p><p>’’Edelgard?’’</p><p> </p><p><em> ’Dimitri, did you forget we were suppose to have lunch at four?’  </em>Edelgard spoke in the line impatiently.</p><p> </p><p>’’Is it time already?’’ Dimitri quickly rose to his feet.</p><p> </p><p><em> ’No, but you've been late to every meeting excluding our first meeting, so I informed you in advance so you won’t keep me waiting,’  </em>she stated and Dimitri felt awfully sorry for his forgetfulness.</p><p> </p><p>’’I apologize, I’ll be more punctual. I have had a lot on my mind as of late.’’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ’Tell me more about it during lunch. I’m just about to head there.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’I will. Thank you for the notice, I shall make my way there,’’ Dimitri promised and Edelgard was quick to bid her farewells.</p><p> </p><p>’’Forgot something?’’ Felix asked, as Dimitri lowered his phone.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes. I should be leaving. If it’s not too much trouble-'’ he began, and either he was very transparent or Felix just knew him well enough to finish his sentence.</p><p> </p><p>’’Let Sylvain know you came by.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank you again Felix-’’ Dimitri stopped mid notion as he was about to lift his bag. There had been something he had meant to give out when he was invited in.</p><p> </p><p>’’I was about to forget, but here.’’ He handed Felix a colorful bouquet of flowers.</p><p> </p><p>’’I thought we agreed on no more flowers?’’ Felix voiced suspicion, but accepted the flowers anyway.</p><p> </p><p>’’I promise this will be the last one. Dedue helped me choose fitting one's. Now I must really be going.’’ Dimitri left in a hurry.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Felix kept staring at the flowers like they were taunting him.</p><p>He had placed them on the dinner table in their biggest vase that was still somehow too small for all the abundance of flowers. Dimitri had given them individual flowers or plants, but this was the first bouquet he had given them.</p><p>Felix was no expert in flower language or anything, but just by the quality of the different flowers, they had to mean <em> something </em> . Especially if Dedue was there to help Dimitri choose them. Felix would have searched the net for the flowers, but he could name only one flower which really wasn’t helpful. Maybe it was a good thing he couldn’t name all the other flowers, because the only flowers he knew other than sunflowers were roses, and he knew their meaning was almost always romantic. Although wasn’t there some significance in their color? Hell, if Felix knew and now his head hurt because of some <em> flowers </em> again<em>. </em></p><p> </p><p>He rose up from the table and collapsed on to the couch, head turned away from the damned things. Yet he kept turning his head to them like they could move, so Felix took one of the books Ashe had lent him and began reading as a distraction.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Not soon after the front door opened and closed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri came to see you,’’ Felix called.</p><p> </p><p>’’Again? I wonder why a text message doesn’t suffice as evidence that I’m not dead in the ditch somewhere?’’ Sylvain answered from the hallway.</p><p> </p><p>’’Maybe he has to see you with his own eye to be sure.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’And you can relate to the feeling, as you just have to see how’s Dimitri doing constantly?’’ Felix could hear the smirk in the other’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>’’Shut up,’’ he groaned.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain arrived in the living room and his attention was also drawn to the flowers.</p><p>’’Wow, that’s a big and fancy bouquet of flowers!’’ He sounded impressed. ’’From Dimitri to you?’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix recalled he hadn’t asked nor had Dimitri stated anything related to the topic.</p><p>’’For the both of us. Or maybe he wanted to hand these to you because he came to see you?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Let’s ask!’’ Sylvain said out loud and from some unknown reason Felix felt like it would be like intruding on something.</p><p> </p><p>’’You can’t just ask!’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I can, and he just replied. It’s for both of us,’’ Sylvain relayed the message and Felix sunk further on to the couch.</p><p> </p><p>’’Disappointed?’’ Sylvain teased.</p><p> </p><p>’’No. It’s a little weird actually.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What?’’ Sylvain asked, still looking at the flowers in wonder, even snapping a few pictures. Damn, did Felix want to know if Sylvain saw meaning there where he did not.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Maybe he should ask if Ashe knew, with all the time he spent around with Dedue. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>’’I think Dimitri has feelings for you,’’ Felix bluntly said, and Sylvain was quick to deny it.</p><p> </p><p>’’What- Nononono! Dimitri definitely has a thing for you-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’And those cancel each other out? You hypocrite,’’ Felix argued glaring, to which Sylvain raised hands in a mock surrender, to which Felix continued. </p><p> </p><p>’’It’s as that Ingrid’s woman indicated-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Dorothea,’’ Sylvain filled in.</p><p> </p><p>’’-that his gaze kinda softens whenever you laugh, and only when you mean it.’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain rubbed the back of his neck.</p><p>’’I really don’t follow.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You fake laugh Sylvain. A lot. It’s fucking annoying,’’ Felix accused to which, as if to prove it true, Sylvain laughed dryly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well yeah, but the thing before that. I really haven’t noticed Dimitri acting different- Besides, well- I mean.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Either way, he makes my job easier. Now that I’m watching over him and he watches over you, you can focus on yourself for a change,’’ Felix offered nonchalantly.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey, what does that mean?! And really you're fine with that? Not getting jealous?’’ Sylvain teased and Felix huffed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Idiot, of course not.’’</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em> If anything it makes him happy, but that’s something he won’t say. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’That’s one devilish smirk you have. I don’t like where this is going,’’ Sylvain dreaded.</p><p> </p><p>’’Nowhere. Whatever mess you've gotten yourself into, I can finally just watch from the sidelines how all of this will unravel,’’ he said and his boyfriend started whining.</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s mean! And you don’t even know what happened.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Are you telling me then?’’ Felix bit back and the other fell silent. ’’Thought so.’’</p><p> </p><p>He noted the clouds on Sylvain’s eyes, so he added more softly.</p><p>’’…I’ll be here to hear it when you’re ready.’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain smiled, not exaggeratedly but genuinely for once.</p><p>’’Thanks Felix.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>*There exists these really great video essays on Youtube how sexual assaults on men are played for laughs. The first part covers men assaulting men and it’s depiction in the media, the second part covers the same with women assaulting men. Highly recommend them.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uc6QxD2_yQw&amp;t=4s">Part 1</a><br/><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9nheskbsU5g&amp;t=1s">Part 2</a></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Flowers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dimitri managed to arrive 5 minutes early yet Edelgard was already there. It was a small cafe with a cozy wooden internal structure. His sister had taken it as her task to show him all the new and interesting places that had opened up during the 5 years of his absence.</p><p>They had managed to build the burned bridge between them back again, even if there was much Edelgard hadn’t spoken. Like how she coped with her father’s passing and what had prompted her to testify against her uncle.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri had taken time to explain his predicament briefly, and Edelgard eyes had remained on her cup.</p><p>’’So you’ve taken your time to assure your friend’s safety? That’s concerning.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes- I mean no. I’m just worried.’’ Dimitri didn’t want to alarm her too much.</p><p> </p><p>’’You mean to tell me you don’t have paranoid thoughts about them being kidnapped or killed,’’ she guessed and he couldn’t really argue.</p><p> </p><p>’’It- had crossed my mind, but honestly it’s just simple care for a friend.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’<em>A</em> <em>friend</em>. I see,’’ Edelgard hummed and met his eyes with a calculating look. ’’Is this Felix or Sylvain, you’re talking about?’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri was quite impressed on her swift approach.</p><p>’’Sylvain. How did you guess?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Those two are the main people you’re usually talking about.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You are very sharp Edelgard.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I have to be to become a prosecutor and eventually a judge,’’ she dismissed, but Dimitri saw a found smile tugging on her lips.</p><p> </p><p>’’How are your studies?’’ he turned to ask.</p><p> </p><p>’’Challenging, but interesting. I have found there are a number of laws that can be misused<em>. </em>I'm conflicted on the concept of the same crime being divided to different levels based on their severity which the defended can twist in their favor. But what I despise the most is that crimes have a time limit. I understand it for a petty crimes like thievery, but severe crimes like assault, attempted murder and rape should never have such a time limit. Not for prosecution nor for getting sentenced. I’m not fond of it,’’ she spoke all this with a hardened look on her face, after which she sipped her drink like cleansing her mouth of a foul taste.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri could only wonder if her craving for justice had arisen when her uncle was prosecuted. Maybe she always had the drive, as she had once spoken about wanting to become a detective when they were little.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’But we were talking about you,’’ Edelgard reminded him.</p><p> </p><p>’’But I hardly know how you’ve been after…’’ Dimitri let his words fall, as he didn’t want to put pressure on Edelgard.</p><p> </p><p>As if pondering her choices on a scale she was tilting her cup accordingly.</p><p>’’It was hard, but when I dedicated myself completely to a concrete goal, it’s when I truly felt free.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What happens when you reach that goal?’’ He asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’I make new ones,’’ she answered with an intensity that told she would never waver. ’’I’ll fix the deeper holes in the justice system, like the ones I spoke about.  But I have realized I will eventually run out of energy if I keep thinking life only in terms of goals, so I have started to connect with others again. Even if we live by ourselves, we’re still surrounded by others, and to have allies is better than to have none. So it’s not me against the world…’’</p><p>Edelgard’s words carried a heavy weight of a lonely survivor. Her goals were much bigger than her, so it was good she realized she couldn’t do everything alone. That despite her blood relatives unfavorable reputation, she still had people around her.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>She fixed her throat, like she had spoken too much.</p><p>’’Now that I have talked about myself, tell me the specifics of your aforementioned struggle.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri didn’t question the sore subject further and answered.</p><p>’’Yes, but the problem is, I don’t know what I can share. It’s a matter between him and me- or technically there is a third party.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’So a love triangle between you Felix and Sylvain?’’ Edelgard calmly drank the last of her drink.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri was about to answer how<em>, ''what love triangle, I love them both equally''. </em> But thankfully before he could voice all that, his brain caught up. As such he was left mouth half open, trying to make sense of that last though he had.</p><p> </p><p>It was a good thing Edelgard had already drank her cup dry as she looked as she would have otherwise spilled it.</p><p>’’<em>Don’t</em> <em>tell me</em>, I was actually right?’’ she asked, eyes wide in horror.</p><p> </p><p>’’No, nothing of a sort!’’ Dimitri, someone who rarely raised his voice, yelped.</p><p> </p><p>’’Then why are you blushing!? I didn’t know you could be capable of blushing!’’ she accused, also raising her voice in a panic.</p><p> </p><p>’’Then why are you blushing?’’ he countered.</p><p> </p><p>’’I never thought my brother would be caught in a love triangle like in a shoujo manga!’’ Edelgard hissed, trying to regain her composure.</p><p> </p><p>After a minute of muted shared panic, Dimitri voiced quietly.</p><p>’’…What’s a shoujo manga?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’T-That’s irrelevant! Tell me everything. I want to hear how my brother got himself into this mess.’’ Edelgard leaned forward in, her interest pique.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix, who had casually mentioned how he could be participating in the nationals next, was now dragged by Ashe to celebrate. Felix hadn’t originally mentioned it as Annette was already too busy and would feel bad about not being able to congratulate him in person. Yet Ashe insisted it would be wrong of them not to celebrate, so they had arrived to the familiar cat cafe again.</p><p>Felix couldn’t help but to ponder why Ashe, who owned four cats, was a regular here. He deduced it must be because his friend,Caspar, worked here, or most likely he just really loved cats.</p><p> </p><p>It was reassuring how unashamed Ashe was about his interest, even when they fell to the more feminine side. If Felix hadn’t met him when he did, he would have had much more of a toxic masculine outlook on life. It was bound to happen with an emotionally closed off family and his childhood friends having imprinted memories about the time when he had been forced to wear a skirt and was still a skittish crybaby. After his transition he wanted to become someone as far away from his past self as he could, which had resulted in him picking fights and belittling others as to not be called out instead.</p><p>But despite his bad attitude, Ashe had one day approached him with awe in his voice. Apparently he had been reminded of a knight character in his book series and lent that book to Felix. They quickly grew closer after that and Felix felt less of a need to play tough around him. Ashe was about the same height as him but not uncomfortable with his height, was visually more feminine with huge eyes and a round face. In his presence Felix didn’t feel like he could be outed at any minute and he grew to understand how few people truly cared enough to try seeking out the biological men from those who were not. </p><p> </p><p>It helped that Ashe himself owned the most calming aura. He was someone who was very comfortable in his own skin. Felix strives to reach the same point.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’I’ll pay for you Felix,’’ Ashe offered and Felix shook his head.</p><p> </p><p>’’You don’t need to.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’But I want to. Plus I’m getting discount from Caspar,’’ Ashe remained stubborn.</p><p> </p><p>’’Fine then.’’</p><p> </p><p>Speaking of the devil, the said waiter soon joined them scooting a big cat out of his way with his feet that still remained laying on its side nonchalantly .</p><p> </p><p>’’Congrats on the win man! That was some epic move over against Metodey. I heard like half of his fans switched to become yours!’’ Unlike Ashe, Caspar actually followed sports and was rather passionate about sports. </p><p>Despite the huge volume of Caspar’s voice, the few sleeping cat’s didn’t even flinch. The cats adopted from here would be fitting for even a child family with Caspar treating them.</p><p> </p><p>’’I really don’t care for fans,’’ Felix stated, yet that didn’t deplete any of Caspar’s enthusiasm.</p><p> </p><p>’’So cool as always! Well, what do you and Ashe want?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Could I use that friend discount?’’ Ashe sang innocently.</p><p> </p><p>’’Again? But isn’t this about the third time in a month.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’But I’m a regular, it would be even weirder for me to not get one.’’</p><p>Ashe was very scheming and crafty when he wanted to be. He had after all once lived on the streets, homeless, all the while taking care of his siblings.</p><p> </p><p>Caspar scratched the back of his head contemplating.</p><p>’’I guess, you got a point.’’</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Felix had somehow yet again become the kitten's resting place, and because of it he now couldn’t move. Maybe it was because of his naturally high metabolism, but cats always tended to come to his proximity and declared it to be the best place to rest. Ashe was recording it all with his phone to send to Annette before getting distracted by a playful new cat named Daisy. The name reminded Felix of the source of his constant headache at home.</p><p> </p><p>’’You wouldn’t know anything about flowers, would you?’’ he asked, and Ashe tilted his head.</p><p> </p><p>’’Flowers? As in with their symbolism or treatment?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’The former,’’ Felix said.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sorry, I can’t say I do. I only know a thing or two about my favorites. Why? You want to give something to Sylvain?’’ Ashe asked cheerfully.</p><p> </p><p>’’No, just- Me and Sylvain got this one bouquet from Dimitri and it’s driving me insane. He had even asked Dedue to help him.’’ </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix felt silly for being so fixated on it when Dimitri was probably the only person in the whole world that could act like the most romantic person while not even meaning to. He would compliment people all too honestly with no repercussions what so ever. Whether a physical or character trait, he would say it so profoundly it was easy to mistake those words as a confession. Not to mention Dimitri’s long stares or his tendency to linger on any kind of physical contact whether as small as handshake. That was just how he acted, all too oblivious of his own actions. </p><p>Maybe Felix was just overthinking it. Or he was projecting his own hopes on some flowers, because that was just how deep he had sunk with his unrequited feelings.</p><p> </p><p>At least Ashe didn’t ridicule him.</p><p>’’That does sound like a shame you don’t know the meaning when the flowers were chosen just for you guys… And Dedue probably would be unlikely to tell if I asked him.’’ Then he perked up. ’’Can I see it? Maybe I can see something you don’t.’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix handed over his phone wordlessly.</p><p> </p><p>The green eyes concentrated on the specific flowers, one by one. Felix was hoping he could recognize them, but the way the other was squinting his eyes, it seemed unlikely.</p><p>’’Hmm… I don’t know how to put it, but I feel like these flowers represent both you and Sylvain,’’ Ashe concluded instead.</p><p> </p><p>’’How so?’’ Felix questioned, doubtful. Flowers were just flowers and they hadn’t had their names imprinted on their petals.</p><p> </p><p>Ashe held the phone’s screen for him to see.</p><p>’’Look at the colors. The reds and blues. And then there are sunflowers that make you feel happy and balloon flowers that are kind of mysterious and calm. I can feel he put a lot of thought into them.’’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Was it really that simple? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>’’As long as they are not a death threat or something, I suppose I don’t care,’’ Felix spoke to himself. He really should just let it go already.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Their talk finished, Caspar came to them holding a big puffy cat over the size of his arm length.</p><p>’’Check this one out! I got to name him Goon.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s a maine coon isn’t it? It’s so huge!’’ Ashe exclaimed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah man. It can be used for weight lifting. Felix, you want it?’’ Caspar held the cat to his face and the cat’s bright yellow eyes stared at him.</p><p> </p><p>For the longest time Felix had been bombarded with offers to adopt one of the cats in the cafe. They knew he would yield eventually, but today was not the day.</p><p>’’No.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Come on! Ashe I understand as his place is filled with cats, but like, how long have you come here and you have none?’’ Caspar grumbled and moved the cat back to his arms so he could support it better. It really seemed heavy, or just so big it was difficult to hold, possibly both.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ashe drags me back here,’’ Felix lied.</p><p> </p><p>’’You should still get Goon. He's like perfect for you man. Not too needy nor lazy and will claw out strangers if they touch him wrong,’’ Caspar spoke like the latter wasn’t a bad quality. ’’I’ll keep him free for you as long as I can, but you better act fast!’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix involuntarily sighed. </p><p>
  <em> He would probably take it when his next patch of matches were over. Why was it so damn cute?</em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Before addressing the current problem Sylvain had, he decided to tackle literally anything else. So he tackled school, he tackled career counselling and decided what he’s going to do with his life. </p><p>Whatever he would have ended up choosing, he knows that he ends up disappointing his parents in the end. It’s almost funny. All of his parents' attempts to quiet down scandals or even keep his own problematic behavior in secret had been in vain. Sylvain would ruin it all as he came to choose something that had nothing to do with the Gautier name.</p><p>More specifically the staples that the Von Nuvelle and Von Aegir owned. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’So… An accountant?’’ Constance repeated.</p><p> </p><p>’’And someone could market and extend your business. I could also look after the staples when you and Ferdinand wouldn’t be able manage it,’’ Sylvain extended his deal.</p><p> </p><p>Constance flipped through his motivation speech written in a frenzy the night before. Luckily it was the midst of the winter months, thus Constance’s reversed seasonal affective disorder led her to consider the idea with a positive mind set. </p><p>’’This is absolutely magnificent! Could I ask what degrees you have?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’So about degrees… I have like five ready to go, so I can pick what you would find the most suitable.’’</p><p> </p><p>She seemed pleased with the answer, but Sylvain was not out of the clear yet as it was Hapi who was the brains behind their business.</p><p>’’Sylvie’s attitude is a little too suspicious? Gemini’s two-faced syndrome really doesn’t help your case, and that constellation’s change department started months ago. It’s a little late for change.’’</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Ah Hapi, the astrologist. Always to know when the signs are wrong. </em>
</p><p>Most of their business decisions were based on Hapi’s eerily accurate foresight in the future in the form of stars. She was the one to make the final decisions.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well, I’m not sure what to say to that, but I’m really trying to commit here. I love horses and what you do here. If I could offer a helping hand, even as just a part timer, I would take it. Judge me all you then,’’ Sylvain offered, while Hapi just stared outside the window contemplating. Like she could see stars even in the bright sunlight. Maybe she did, with the power of the cosmos bestowed onto her.</p><p> </p><p>’’If Coco is fine with it then, yeah we can start like that. Just be sure to give me your star map with your resume,’’ Hapi requested with a yawn.</p><p> </p><p>A big burden had been lifted from Sylvain’s chest. He had a goal now, which he had dreamed about for a while now but had been too much of a coward to act upon it. </p><p>He finally felt free of the shackles which his family had placed on him.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>When he joined the rest of class, Bernadetta had finally joined their rider group officially. Just like the times before she had unofficially joined she remained very shy, but would become very talkative when a topic of one of her interests came up. Sylvain had learned that one of Bernadetta’s hobbies was gardening and she worked as a florist. She had a particular interest in exotic plants, especially carnivorous plants. She owned two venus flytraps and dreamed of owning a trumpet pitcher. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>With how passionate she remained, Sylvain just had to ask the meaning of the flower bouquet that Dimitri had given them. </p><p> </p><p>’’So any ideas Bernadetta?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’A sunflower centered bouquet…! Sunflowers are nice flowers, but they remind me of the two s-scary and tall men who also came to buy them where I work. I remember, because I hid the whole time in the staff room,’’ Bernadetta said and he blinked.</p><p> </p><p>’’Um okay, but what I meant to ask was, do you know their meaning or symbolism? I’m kinda curious.’’</p><p> </p><p>The small girl flushed red from the embarrassment seeming to shrink into her hoodie. Bernadetta was a little like Dimitri, a little clumsy at social interactions and easy to take words literally rather than figuratively.</p><p> </p><p>’’C-could I take a closer look?’’ she asked after she had collected herself.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah sure.’’ Sylvain handed her his phone.</p><p> </p><p>The florist interpreted them in silence.</p><p>’’Th-These are, um, I can’t say if these are romantic or not. B-but they clearly speak of strong emotions.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’In a good way?’’ he questioned.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes! Very good way! Something along the lines of; <em> if you were to disappear, so would I, </em>’’ Bernadetta explained, and Sylvain can’t say he was really shocked, but he was still a little overwhelmed by the certain knowledge.</p><p> </p><p>’’Wow. That’s um. Strong.’’</p><p> </p><p>Bernadetta seemed ecstatic enough by this one bouquet to continue on without stuttering.</p><p>’’And it doesn’t end there. They tell a kind of mantra of loyalty, worship, adoration and will to protect- A little like a knight would swear a vow to their loved one- I m-mean in chivalry! I can’t say if it’s meant to be romantic! Please don’t hold me accountable for this!’’ she was quick to realize and bow her head in shame.</p><p> </p><p>’’I won’t, it’s fine Bernadetta. I just kinda wanted to know a direction they leaned on, or find out if they had something special to share,’’ Sylvain assured, and the florist was quick to recover.</p><p> </p><p>’’Y-you mean you were the one to receive these flowers?’’ Bernadetta asked.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah, and my boyfriend,’’ he replied and Bernadetta squealed out loud, and not a scared scream, but a one of joy.</p><p> </p><p>’’G-giving flowers for two! I never knew someone could think of that…! No wonder there are so many messages that are different from one another.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>When she turned her gaze to the flowers once more, and she realized in her frenzy, she must have accidentally pressed some button because the picture was gone.</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah- I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to-!’’ Bernadetta apologized repeatedly and Sylvain laughed it off.</p><p> </p><p>’’You just clicked to another slide. It’s fine. Oh- this comic updated. It seems I have to catch up.’’ He said leaning over to see the slide she had landed on.</p><p> </p><p>’’C-catch up? You mean you’re reading-’’ Her eyes stared widely at the screen.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah, this is clearly meant for a female audience, but somehow it’s really addicting. The plot and the main characters are well crafted and they really resonate with you once beginning reading,’’ Sylvain explained and took his phone back to scroll to the newest page.</p><p> </p><p>’’Things are really getting complicated with the protagonist... Maybe I should re-read this just to get the full impact?’’ he commented out-loud.</p><p> </p><p>’’…Bernie’s comic is- is…’’ Bernadetta mumbled in a subdued screech to herself, and suddenly, just stopped fidgeting all together staring ahead, eyes unfocused.</p><p> </p><p>’’You okay there? <em> Hello </em>?’’ Sylvain waved a hand over her line of sight, but she remained nonreactive.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Well Bernadetta broke. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Bernadetta hadn't responded despite his calls so Sylvain had called her friend Ferdinand over.</p><p> </p><p>After a quick check up, Ferdinand had a diagnosis.</p><p>’’She’s just shocked. She freezes, like goats do when they’re so surprised and they feign dead.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’…And humans do that?’’ Sylvain repeated.</p><p> </p><p>’’Well, she’s been through a lot,’’’ Ferdinand stated. ’’If she remains frozen, I just have to carry her home.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’This happens a lot?’’ Sylvain pondered.</p><p> </p><p>’’Few times now and again. A lot more when she was younger,’’ Ferdinand spoke a little reluctantly, which Sylvain picked on and didn’t pry further.</p><p> </p><p>’’I see. You need help?’’</p><p> </p><p>Ferdinand shook his head.</p><p>’’I’ll call Hubert if I need help, but for now I’ll wait it out. She’s pretty quick to recover. You’re free to go.’’ </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain agreed and left the duo to themselves.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Absentmindedly Sylvain thought of the meaning of the flowers gifted to him and Felix. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Loyalty, huh?  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Maybe, just maybe, he should try to have faith in that statement. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Bernie writing fanfiction is such a cute concept, even if I went with a different route. I made Bernie a comic creator, as in Seteth’s support she drew the pictures for his book. If I wanted to go a little extra with this modern AU concept, Ignatz could be the one doing the art and Bernie doing the writing, but neither would've ever met IRL, AND now they are both riding in the same stables. There is some food for thought.</p><p> </p><p>On a side note: In my mind’s eye I see how Edelgard dealt with the stigma her uncle left her with. She would recluse in her room after school and read shoujo manga, while dreaming about how after she gets through this hardship, she’ll find a pretty boy or a girl and live happily ever after. Hubert would keep her company and in turn he would read Junji Itō’s work.</p><p>In short, I imagine that both of them were, or well, are still weebs.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Compassion</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When his and Dorothea’s group therapy came to a close, Sylvain knew he couldn’t hide any longer. He had dealt with all the other emotionally taxing situations and he had no excuses to turn to anymore.</p><p> </p><p>His safest bet would be to tell Ingrid first. She understood Dorothea so by extension she would understand him, correct? But she was also someone who was quick to believe that Sylvain was lying when he wasn’t, and that was the last thing he wanted.</p><p>The logical answer would be to tell Felix first as he was first and foremost his boyfriend, partner, and all around someone he could lean on. He listened to Sylvain more than anyone would and only interrupted him when he was going to the self-deprecating route or spotting bullshit. And oh boy, Felix would be angry about what Sylvain would be talking about. </p><p> </p><p>But yes, he would have to tell Dimitri first, if only because he caught the wind of it first. It helped that Dimitri could provide the kind of comfort by just being easier to read than a book. Really earnest, warm, diligent and warm.  </p><p>-Yes he might be thinking about that embrace that Dimitri had closed him in, but it was a good hug, okay? Rarely does man as tall as Sylvain get to hug someone taller than him.</p><p> </p><p><em> …Okay, yeah, Sylvain was </em> <b> <em>screwed</em> </b> <em> . </em></p><p> </p><p>He probably was doomed since he saw Dimitri with that old piano, or even before then. Yep, he was screwed and even more so if Dimitri took Sylvain's past badly.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He gathered what little resolve he had and wrote a text message because he didn’t trust his voice at the moment to make a call.</p><p>
  <em> ’Hey Dimitri! Felix is stuck in a camp readying for national’s and I’m bored. Do you wanna come over?’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Nope<em>, </em> that sounded totally like he was over-explaining. Also they wouldn’t be talking about Sylvain’s trauma because he was bored. What was he thinking?</p><p>He deleted the message and wrote a new one.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> ’So, Dimitri, want to hear that thing which I didn’t talk to you about? I’ll probably cry my eyes out, but since you want to know-’ </em>
</p><p>Okay, that sounded passive aggressive. Also too honest. He would freak Dimitri out before he even got here.</p><p> </p><p>Frustrated Sylvain deleted another message. </p><p>Why was it so hard for him to be just honest and not to try to be smooth about it. They just didn’t fit together.</p><p> </p><p>Third time was the charm as Sylvain went the more short and simple note.</p><p>
  <em> ’Hey Dimitri, I think I’m ready to talk about that night. Can you come over?’ </em>
</p><p>That was… straightforward if a little vague, but Dimitri wouldn’t mind, at least he thinks so. Before Sylvain could hesitate he sends it and right away regrets it.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Yeah </em>
  <em>no,</em>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>bad idea.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything about this was a bad idea. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Just bury him alive and be done with it. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>A message was quick to pop up on his phone.</p><p>
  <em> ’Of course. I’ll be there in 10 minutes.’ </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Well regrets or not, he couldn’t back up on his statement now.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain was pacing around restless. Trying to get into a mindset of speaking how he did with Mercedes, or with just someone totally random. The problem was it wasn’t working, because it was Dimitri. Someone who knew him since childhood, and by Sylvain revealing something that had happened to him, Dimitri, Felix and Ingrid, they all could probably piece together the aftermath from their own memories. They would probably remember things he didn’t, and it was all <em> terrifying. </em></p><p> </p><p>Sylvain took a deep breath and announced to himself, that he would talk about all this like they spoke about their normal childhood memories.</p><p>
  <em> Just reminiscing. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Yeah, no big deal. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri had arrived there a minute earlier than his announced time. Sylvain poured them some chamomile tea, because not only did he but also Dimitri needed to calm his nerves. He was weirdly enough avoiding eye contact when just a few days ago he had been staring at the depths of his soul with his one working eye. Maybe this was just awkward for the both of them, and in it’s own way it gave Sylvain a sense of peace; that if nothing else came out of this, then at least Dimitri would get a peace of mind.</p><p> </p><p>’’Did something happen to encourage you to speak about this?’’ Dimitri asked, drawing Sylvain out of his thoughts. </p><p> </p><p>His tea had already become lukewarm, yet he hadn't even drunk from his cup.</p><p> </p><p>’’Nope, not really really,’’ Sylvain denied, but the way Dimitri kept clinging to his every word made him want to lighten the mood. ’’Besides the whole wanting to know what I’m up to 24/7.’’</p><p> </p><p>The sheer panic and shame on Dimitri’s face made him look like a kicked puppy.</p><p>’’I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s fine! It’s a high time I spoke about this anyway,’’ Sylvain assured and quickly collected himself from his musings.</p><p> </p><p>’’So… Remember when we were kids?’’ he began.</p><p> </p><p>There was a visible disconnect in Dimitri’s mind how their childhood and something that happened a month or so ago were connected, but he didn’t question it.</p><p>’’Yes, of course.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You remember the time when we were eight, during some party at the Gautier mansion when some lady came to take me away? I was raped then.’’ Sylvain kinda just dropped a bomb and continued his monologue, afraid to look at Dimitri or hear his reactions.</p><p> </p><p>’’Actually it happened multiple times before I kinda slipped up and casually mentioned it to my family. They were pissed, but because those women were valuable business partners they just… let it slide.’’ Sylvain drew a quick breath and pushed the thought of his voice cracking away and kept going. ’’My memories of those times are kind of hazy. Only clear memories are of you, Felix and Ingrid. You all were- You were my saving grace that I really didn’t deserve.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Sylvain…’’ Dimitri called, quiet, but Sylvain didn’t want to interpret the tone of his friend’s voice, so he laughed.</p><p> </p><p>’’You’re probably wondering, ''<em>Hey, wait, why didn’t you tell us earlier? '</em>'', then yeah I should have, but I was afraid- Not like with Miklain, when the only reason I didn’t tell you was because I was afraid of him.</p><p>But this- I just felt like you all would see me differently. Especially Ingrid, because I kinda… hate and fear them. Women, I mean. And it’s not Ingrid’s fault, or fault of those women I treated like trash. But I suppose I just wanted to feel like I could be in control of it- to not be afraid. It’s pretty messed up I know, I go to therapy.’’ All these words just kept spilling out and Sylvain was pretty sure none of it was as self-censored as he would have preferred them to be.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh- And that woman you saw was one of them. One of them who-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m going to kill every last one of them,’’ Dimitri stated with such resolution that Sylvain had to stop and face him.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri’s expression was grave, a madness creeping back from the shadows. Sylvain hadn’t never been afraid of his friend in this state, because he very much understood that the people that would feel the extent of Dimitri’s wrath were not him. He was nothing like his brother who stared down him with malice. Dimitri’s rage was closer to something like of a starved beast, attacking those he deemed threat and now those people were bunch of middle aged women- Not good people by all means, but still more people than when Dimitri had taken down on his way to slay Edelgard.</p><p> </p><p>’’Whoa whoa whoa! No you won’t! You won’t be locked up behind bars because of me!’’ Sylvain tried to speak some sense into him.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri didn’t falter, meeting his eyes with his lone darkened one.</p><p>’’They deserve it after what they have done to you.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I'm- flattered? I mean- Let’s not kill anyone, okay Dimitri?’’ Sylvain pleaded with an unsteady smile as he laid his hand on top of Dimitri’s. To somehow soothe him or prevent Dimitri from leaving and going on a killing spree? He didn’t know.</p><p> </p><p>’’…They shouldn’t be allowed to walk free,’’ Dimitri said with a little less murder screaming vibes.</p><p> </p><p>’’I agree… But like I said my parents didn’t report them and. Well. Despite telling this to you, I rather not be known to the whole world as <em>''that tragic Gaurtier kid whose brother not only tried to kill him, but who is also a victim of child exploitation. ''</em></p><p>On the bright side from what I heard, police are already investigating them, I think? They might be connected to some kind of child pornography business,’’ Sylvain was speaking just gossip he had heard from the social gatherings to appease his friend and it seemed to be working. The beast was still there, but as time went on, it seemed less likely he would act on his words.</p><p> </p><p>’’They are disgusting,’’ Dimitri growled and he hummed in agreement.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yeah.’’</p><p> </p><p>Afterwards they stayed in this quiet bubble, and Sylvain realized he had been able get through all the talking without bursting into tears. Mentally he patted himself in the back and thanked Mercedes from already dehydrating his eyes during all their therapy sessions.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’…I apologize for getting angry,’’ Dimitri said, back to his usual self or so Sylvain hoped.</p><p> </p><p>’’As long as you don’t kill them,’’ he tested the waters.</p><p> </p><p>’’I won’t,’’ the other confirmed and Sylvain drew a breath in relief.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He was kinda tired after all that. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Then Dimitri casually intertwined their connected hands.</p><p>’’Thank you for sharing this with me.’’</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain was left very much speechless at the moment and he just nodded, like this had been a totally normal exchange between them. </p><p>
  <em> And that he was most definitely not internally freaking out right now.  </em>
</p><p>They stayed like this for what felt like hours, but what only 20 minutes. When Sylvain had managed to convince Dimitri he was as fine as he could be, the now serene beast agreed to go home for tonight, if only because his medication had been left behind in the hurry. They bid farewell with a hug that might have lingered a little longer than normally, but nothing really had been normal today.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There was something weird going on with Sylvain as he had just thrown the ’’need to talk’’ line over a text. Felix knew to prepare for the worst or just another one of Sylvain’s tricks at his expense.</p><p>When they did get to the talk, Felix quickly gave himself a mission to just keep his mouth shut throughout the ordeal. Especially when Sylvain just casually went into detail of his experience of being a victim of child exploitation, which he apparently had been going to therapy for 4 years now? It seemed Miklain was the lesser evil in this instance of messing Sylvain up for the long term.</p><p> </p><p>Felix still felt an odd sense of validation of how Sylvain’s fear of women didn’t extend to him. <em> Some insecurities would never fade it seemed. </em></p><p> </p><p>Now Felix had the answers of all the weird phases his boyfriend had gone though, from normal, to womanizer, to avoiding women like the plague. It all made some kind of twisted kind of sense. </p><p>Felix in turn was enraged, even past the limit he had thought he already had reached when thinking of Sylvain's parents. The selfish bastards that thought their family’s reputation was more important than anything else. By their logic, they had most likely transferred the status of the heir to Sylvain as some kind of trifle apology. Irony that it had caused Miklain to snap, making things even worse.</p><p> </p><p>How the hell did Sylvain even manage to remain functional while hiding all this, was out of Felix’s grasp. He made a mental note to turn it back a little with backlash- </p><p>No, then he would be treating Sylvain with pity. The same way Felix had hated being treated after Glenn’s passing.</p><p>Sylvain wasn’t just some unfortunate victim, he was a fucking survivor.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’I must say, you being quiet through this is really kinda unnerving, Felix,’’ Sylvain noted and Felix wanted to scream but just gritted his teeth tightly together.</p><p> </p><p>’’So… do you have any questions or-?’’ Sylvain offered and Felix couldn’t be quiet anymore.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m about seconds from snapping Sylvain. Could you shut up for a second, so I don’t massacre your whole family and their business partners?’’</p><p> </p><p>There was that stupid reassuring smile on Sylvain’s face, like hell was Felix the one who needed support in this situation.</p><p> </p><p>He closed his eyes and counted to 10 times 13 before speaking again.</p><p>’’…Sorry. You can continue, but I swear if you say one more casual joke about your fucked up life, I’m done.’’ There was a limit on how much bullshit Felix could handle before he would stab someone.</p><p> </p><p>’’I was about done actually-’’ Sylvain said.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank goodness,’’ Felix groaned trying to calm down his erratic heart beat that was screaming murder.</p><p> </p><p>Sylvain chuckled, clearly amused.</p><p>’’You know Dimitri also nearly went to berserk mode when I told him.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I can imagine. He was already slipping back to boar prince when he came to give us those cursed flowers.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Sylvain looked away in contemplation.</p><p>’’Sorry I took so long.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’All it took was for you to get into possibly dangerous situation and be saved by Dimitri,’’ Felix recounted sarcastic.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sorry, I kinda took a long road to get here,’’ Sylvain’s voice was but a whisper, all strength of it had been drained dry.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m not asking for your apology. I’m asking what do you want me to do?’’ Felix relayed, annoyed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Huh?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’A reward. You did good,’’ Felix stated and Sylvain just stared. Looking for signs of lies- no probably just trying to get a grasp on reality that the both of them were again in. Not in some painful memories of his past.</p><p> </p><p>’’If I could get a hug…?’’ Sylvain’s voice was weak, like afraid Felix would reject him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Come here you big idiot.’’ Felix dragged him to his own level.</p><p> </p><p>Quickly Sylvain sank against his chest, like trying to make himself as small as possible.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thanks Felix, I…’’ And finally Sylvain was actually crying. </p><p> </p><p>Felix rested his head on Sylvain’s listening to inaudible words.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>He had witnessed only a handful of Sylvain’s mental breakdowns. One time after Miklain had died, one of shock. The other time when Sylvain had moved away from his family, this time out of relief. Felix really didn’t understand how his boyfriend could just keep up the ''i’m fine'' act all times until finally breaking. It must be so exhausting, but it’s not like Felix’s way of coping was universal. You couldn’t just give a person a sword and say ’’swing it until you get over it’’.</p><p> </p><p>Felix continued to pet the back of Sylvain’s head in contemplation, pondering just how small Sylvain had made himself just to fit on his lap.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Yeah, I just gave a new context to Dimitri’s ’’Kill every last one of them.’’</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Song for two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sound of a piano echoed in his apartment. Dimitri found his hand awfully stiff compared to 5 years ago. He would press the wrong keys next to the right ones and his timing was still painfully slow. Despite his daily practice, he was still in no shape to play a long theatrical piece Dorothea had planned for them, but maybe it didn’t matter as the opera singer had a strong enough voice that it could move hearts all by itself.</p><p>And still Dimitri wanted to be able to play again how he used to.</p><p>Piano had been his mother’s instrument. A piece of her she had left behind. She had always praised how Dimitri’s hands were fitted for playing as they were long and strong. He had enjoyed those piano lessons she gave, not only for the time they spent together, but also because he had learned he could produce something that could make other people happy. The way his mother hummed with the songs he played convinced him as much.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>’’What song was that?’’ Dedue asked, who’s presence Dimitri had completely forgotten. He tended to get so absorbed in music that he lost all bearings around him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Clair de Lune,’’ he provided the title.</p><p> </p><p>’’It sounded more cheerful than what songs you used to play,’’ Dedue recalled.</p><p> </p><p>’’It did?’’ Dimitri stared at the score before him. Yes it had few higher notes, but it wasn’t like he had played minute waltz.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes. You used to play songs with a heavy sense of loss and regret. The song from before almost sounded content,’’ Dedue analysed.</p><p> </p><p>Yes, Dimitri remembered how he had played the Vivaldi’s Winter and Summer, venting his emotions through music until he became unable to touch the keys in fear of breaking them. Maybe some of that fear still remained in him as his fingers would slide to a wrong key because he didn’t put enough strength into the action.</p><p> </p><p>As for what had prompted the change of Dimitri’s song preference was obvious. He was now trying to come in terms with his feelings for Sylvain and Felix.</p><p>As much as he had tried to reason them with just feelings of friendship, he could tell it was different from anything he felt for Dedue, Ingrid or Marianne.</p><p>It was a feeling of wanting to make them happy and to protect so intense it could bypass logic.</p><p>Whether to slay everyone who hurt Sylvain or for Dimitri to wish he accidentally cut his hand with a knife again just so that Felix would hold it.</p><p> </p><p>Edelgard had been doubtful that he could feel such a thing for both of his friends and had asked to reflect on his feelings more thoroughly. He had, and he was more sure than ever that he loved them both romantically.</p><p>The flowers he had chosen for them carefully, the comfort he found in their house, and his worries over intruding their relationship had all stemmed from his feelings, even if had not acknowledged them back then.</p><p> </p><p>But it would be wrong of Dimitri to voice these thoughts for them. They were already in a fulfilling relationship with each other and had been for a long time. It brought Dimitri joy just seeing the both of them happy, thus he should be satisfied with just supporting them.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dedue was quick to notice his sour mood.</p><p>’’Why do you look so sad after such a beautiful song, Dimitri?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m afraid, I’m a horrible person,’’ he confessed solemnly, which his friend seemed to take with a more curious attitude rather than judgement.</p><p> </p><p>’’I don’t know what makes you say that.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’For something so beautiful to be wrong… I have stained it. I have managed to tarnish the meaning of love,’’ Dimitri stated, voice strained and full of heartache.</p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri,’’ Dedue called his attention and Dimitri met his gaze. ’’Have you done something to that which you love that you now regret?’’</p><p> </p><p>The question caught him off guard and Dimitri had to think about it. Excluding the events from 5 years ago, he has acted as not to burden them. To not regret anything.</p><p>He had to speak through with logic, and not his paranoia.</p><p>’’I- I haven’t.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Are they now in pain because of you?’’ Dedue continued to question.</p><p> </p><p>’’Not that I’m aware of.’’ Dimitri shook his head, which seemed to be enough for his friend to come to his conclusions.</p><p> </p><p>’’Then I say, you haven’t stained anything.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’But, what I feel is <em> wrong </em>,’’ Dimitri argued weakly and Dedue continued providing evidence like bullets.</p><p> </p><p>’’Is it? Is there something morally wrong with how you feel?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’No, but-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Is it something that also other people feel?’’</p><p> </p><p>’’I- Yes. I suppose there are people with much more complicated love affairs.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Then instead of coming to your own conclusions, you should speak about them instead. If you make decision based on your own self-criticism, you could end up regretting it.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’But I couldn’t! I would be but an inconvenience-’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri,’’ Dedue reminded, and Dimitri caught the true case of his uneasiness.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was the thought he wasn’t worthy.</p><p> </p><p>Worthy of anyone’s love.</p><p> </p><p>He shouldn’t justify his own low opinion on himself by trying to distance himself or decide for others if he was worthy. He should leave it up to Felix and Sylvain instead.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri took a slow breath and smiled.</p><p>’’I understand Dedue. I shall find a way to deal with this. Thank you for listening to my nonsensical ramblings.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dedue posture relaxed.</p><p>’’I will always help you, my friend.’’</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri agreed.</p><p>’’As will I you, Dedue. Thank you.’’</p><p> </p><p>A doorbell rang all too loudly, which startled Dimitri out of his seat. He wasn’t expecting anyone to come by. Dedue quirked his browns questionably and Dimitri understood that indeed he should open the door. The sight which greeted was something he was prepared for so soon.</p><p> </p><p>+++</p><p> </p><p>’’Felix? What are you doing here?’’ he let the words out, unable to hold them back.</p><p> </p><p>’’You haven’t come by in a while so I was wondering whether you had died,’’ Felix simply stated and let himself in. It reminded Dimitri that it had been a while, to the point that he had completely forgotten how Felix visited him regularly when they hadn’t arranged any kind of meetings beforehand.</p><p> </p><p>Another piece of guilt weighted on Dimitri. He couldn’t avoid the people of his affections forever.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hello, Felix,’’ Dedue greeted, which seemed to lift some worry away from Felix’s expression, as it assured him Dimitri had at least been taken care of.</p><p> </p><p>’’Dedue,’’ Felix acknowledged and took note of the piano and the score placed on it. ’’…So you’ve been practicing.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Dimitri has grown better at a fast pace. Ashe and I would be happy to hear you all perform together someday,’’ Dedue commented which left Felix pinching the bridge of his nose in embarrassment.</p><p> </p><p>’’You wish.’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix’s and Dimitri’s eyes met, analyzing over the blond.</p><p>’’You’re not going to continue playing?’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri found it curious how Felix wasn’t lecturing him for not keeping in touch. Maybe he had been busy with the upcoming nationals, or his curiosity over Dimitri’s skills outweighed the possibility of him neglecting himself.</p><p> </p><p>’’No- I. When I play for too long it tends to get uncomfortable,’’ he stated.</p><p> </p><p>’’Sit down,’’ Felix ordered with growing irritated, gesturing to the bench before the piano.</p><p> </p><p>Confused Dimitri obeyed, knowing it to be better not to question his feisty friend.</p><p> </p><p>Felix bowed down and suddenly Dimitri found his seat being lifted higher from its original point.</p><p>’’You’re unbelievable… To have your chair still adjusted to your height from 5 years ago.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Ah, thank you Felix. It had completely slipped my mind,’’ Dimitri thanked, mesmerized by the other as he quickly retreated to his feet, in a graceful way. The way he moved was calculated and precise. </p><p> </p><p>Felix must have noticed him staring as he was turning his face away from Dimitri’s view.</p><p>’’Of course it did…’’</p><p> </p><p>Yet the pointed words seemed to bear no edge.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix had gotten the sense Dimitri was avoiding him, or to be more precise them. Sylvain had also stated the boar had acted a little strange even before their talk about trauma. It was clearly the boar’s problem then and he hadn’t seemed too different when Felix had paid him a visit, if the usual amount of spacing out wasn’t counted. </p><p>Dedue hadn’t spilled anything but had assured Dimitri would be fine. So whatever it was the boar had it under control. It proved to be a correct guess, as boar didn’t have objections their gathering over his house as their newly formed ’’music club’’ as dubbed by Dorothea and Sylvain.</p><p> </p><p>Dimitri had confessed not being content in his re-learned skills, but Felix thought very strongly otherwise. From what he had listened to few short pieces, Dimitri was regaining his skills at an unnaturally fast rate. Even more impressive, Felix found that Dimitri hadn’t broken the piano’s keys and was able to produce complex pieces, sometimes not even reading the notes. It all must be deeply engraved into his muscle memory.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix was never one to appreciate music in it of itself. He would listen to it as background noise, but could never force himself to those 2 to 4 hour long concerts, that Sylvain had no problem attending to. Maybe he was just apathetic to it, or he simply didn’t care enough. He had found one hobby and job to dedicate himself completely and he had no need for more. As such their ’’music club’’ was born to fail, but Dorothea was keen on keeping it alive.</p><p> </p><p>’’So everyone has been practicing?’’ Dorothea called.</p><p> </p><p>’’Didn’t know it was a requirement,’’ Felix grumbled, but the singer seemed immune to all kinds of criticism. </p><p> </p><p>’’No, but it makes everything more fun.’’ </p><p> </p><p>’’Yet somehow, I heard you arguing with Rodrigue how the guitar was gone from his house,’’ Sylvain hummed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Shut it. I’m not playing.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Let’s not argue.’’ Ingrid tried in vain.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s alright, there is no need to play, but- I’m really interested if Dimitri could play Listz’s La Campanella?’’ Dorothea said, invested.</p><p> </p><p>Felix had a faint memory of her suggested piece, it was considered a challenging piece even for the veterans.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea. I know you enjoy music, but-’’ Ingrid attempted to speak for all too kind Dimitri, but he didn’t seem to particularly mind.</p><p> </p><p>’’It’s quite alright Ingrid, I find myself playing the same few songs too often as it is. A change of pace might do me some good. I may have the score somewhere in storage.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’How wonderful! Let us search them!’’ Dorothea called in delight and Felix didn’t protest as he was rather interested to hear Dimitri play again. He looked so at peace while indulging on his hobby, but no way would Felix state that observation out loud.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>---</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Dimitri’s sheet music collection was impressive. All were classical pieces exclusively, and many of the easier scores had notes written in curly neat handwriting. Sylvain recognized it to be Dimitri’s mother's handwork. Patricia wasn’t related to Dimitri by blood, but she had treated him as she had. Sylvain had rarely seen her outside formal events as she spent half of her time respectively with Edelgard's, her biological daughter's side. But the library’s worth full of books and her love for music had clearly carried on with Dimitri. His performance certainly left that kind of an impression on Sylvain. </p><p> </p><p>There was something absurd the way Dimitri could hit multiple keys in perfect timing and fail in any other attempt at precision. Person’s skills and talent weren’t divided equally, a person would fail in other areas while exceeding in others. By that logic all his mobility had been put into him being able to play just one instrument. Yet the fault was all forgiven in Sylvain's mind as otherwise Dimitri would dangle in the line of being too perfect for this world, the same as Felix.</p><p> </p><p>Dorothea was the first one to speak after his performance.</p><p>’’That was spectacular! If Ingrid wasn’t so perfect I just might have fallen for you.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea!’’ Ingrid looked devastated, only for her girlfriend to bust out in giggles.</p><p> </p><p>’’I’m just kidding Ingrid! But there was a power in that piece, and not just from a technical point, but the way you poured emotion to it. It was fantastical,’’ she said.</p><p> </p><p>’’Oh, really it was nothing. I made quite a few mistakes-’’ Dimitri didn’t seem willing to take compliments, like Ingrid who also was overly critical of herself.</p><p> </p><p>’’A professional singer is praising you Dimitri! You can’t wiggle your way out of this one.’’ Sylvain pointed out how Dorothea was the most qualified of them to give out any critic.</p><p>Yet Dimitri remained reluctant.</p><p> </p><p>’’That means accept the compliment and move on Dimitri,’’ Felix said strongly, and Dimitri followed his advice.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thank you.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’You’re welcome, and you should know I’m not just saying it. Have you thought of becoming a musician?’’ Dorothea was quick to question.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea, Dimitri is heir to-’’ Ingrid said, but her girlfriend was quick to voice her own point of view.</p><p> </p><p>’’Yes, but what heart desires should be placed above such expectations. And I saw passion there, passion in the art.’’</p><p> </p><p>The question seemed to hover over Dimitri as he kept staring at the piano in a kind of longing way.</p><p>’’I have. I have, yet I don’t think myself as talented or will I ever be. My field of vision has narrowed and I have to rely purely on memory when it comes to playing with my right hand. I’m… lacking.’’</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>It was the kind of talk that Dimitri was rare to speak about. He didn’t make big a number of the things he lacked, because he was aware of his privileges. Of his financial wealth and a legacy left for him. Even when he did have the right to complain, he knew others had it harder. </p><p> </p><p>But Sylvain wasn’t going to allow him to wallow in his own self-pity.</p><p>’’I don’t think that’s a problem. Beethoven, while he was still a composer became deaf but continued his work. Vincent van Gogh cut his own ear off while hallucinating and now his paintings sell for millions. I think your ''lacks'' would only add to your charm.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’What? Dimitri, the pianist without the sense of taste or smell?’’ Felix questioned the convoluted idea of trying to market him, even if Dimitri admittedly would fit perfectly into the suffering artist category. </p><p> </p><p>’’Well, more the merrier to add to the effect! Should we start marketing?’’ Sylvain proposed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Please don’t tease Dimitri so…’’ Ingrid sighed in exasperation, but Dimitri on the opposite seemed to have cheered up.</p><p> </p><p>’’I honestly appreciate it, but I’m not sure I can abandon my duty when Gilbert and Rodrigue have done so much for my sake. I should repay them even a little, at least try to.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Why not keep both options open? It’s not like you have to choose either,’’ Sylvain suggested.</p><p> </p><p>’’And <em> you </em> would be the best one to give advice connected to committing to something?’’ Felix reminded him.</p><p> </p><p>’’Hey- actually I have committed to you fully!’’</p><p> </p><p>Felix shoved him, upset.</p><p>’’That’s not what I meant and you know it.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Anyway,’’ Sylvain ignored the angry look besides him. ’’It’s true in Dimitri’s case. He has yet to even graduate or to have chosen an university for that matter. If it’s something he wants, I’m sure they would understand. Gilbert could actually see his daughter for a change and Rodrigue could focus on his own company.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Doubt it,’’ Felix commented, and Sylvain gave him a disapproving look, which his boyfriend seemed to take to heart. ’’But the boar doesn’t owe anything to them. He can walk away whenever he wants to.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Felix… Sylvain...  You’re so patient with me. I’m not sure I deserve it,’’ Dimitri said, moved.</p><p> </p><p>’’That’s nonsense,’’ Sylvain said and Felix agreed.</p><p> </p><p>’’Speak about yourself time in that matter and I’ll break your bones. I dare you.’’</p><p> </p><p>’’Aggressive care I see?’’ Dorothea hummed interested.</p><p> </p><p>’’Thea, please. He’s being serious,’’ Ingrid pleaded.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Only Dimitri would be so melodramatic after finding himself in love. His whole existence is a drama. (Also I can't overstate just how much classical piano music I had to listen before finding the pieces for this fic.)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Not a dream, but a beautiful reality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It had been a few weeks that Sylvain had mulled over his new found feelings for Dimitri. A new fond crush here and there was nothing new to him, but usually it was quick to pass as he got to know them personally. The problem of course was that he already knew everything there was to know of his friend. It was far from a trivial crush and while it was scary Sylvain knew at least one person who shared the feeling, which just happens to be his boyfriend.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Felix. Can I talk about something?’’ he requested.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’This can’t be good, if you have to ask.’’ Felix just knew him too well, so he tried deflecting.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’No, just something rhetorical.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’That you think I won’t like,’’ Felix said and Sylvain cringed inwardly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He was in a pickle, the way he wanted to be honest with Felix, but was bad at taking initiative when it came to emotional matters. If Felix hadn’t been the first to confess, Sylvain would have just kept dancing around the subject. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His first reaction was always to conceal everything and pretend it wasn't there. Lie to himself and act so as to not show his true feelings. It had been a helpful coping mechanism when he had had to live through experiences he had no control over. Weather including his family, Miklain, or women. He hid it all and pretended until he lost himself in the act, all so he wouldn’t be so hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yeah, he shouldn’t pine over Dimitri. Nope. Just forget it, let Felix and Dimitri have their happy ending.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix noticed his hesitation and called him out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’You can’t just leave it unsaid. Just spit it out.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He drew a quick breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’If Dimitri were-’’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’No.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Just no? A no, without even listening to the end?’’ Sylvain laughed, which Felix wasn’t finding as funny.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’If you just want to get me and Dimitri together again, then the answer is no.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’…It’s actually a little more complicated than that now,’’ Sylvain confessed. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix watched him in silence. Saw him fiddling with his hands, spinning the silver rings on his finger. A nervous tick he was unable to get rid of.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’…He swept your feet from under you now too?’’ His boyfriend guessed, because that was just how well they knew each other.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain couldn’t help smiling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’Yeah. Both mentally and literally.’’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix continued to stare, to see if this was another one of his twisted schemes to put Felix’s happiness above his. But Sylvain wasn’t someone who would lie about his friends like that even as a joke. That was a line he swears to never cross.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Since when?’’ Felix questioned, more curious than doubtful.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That was a question that Sylvain himself had pondered for these few weeks. He thinks it goes much further back than he would have liked to admit. He had just tried and succeeded at reprepressing those feelings, because back then he already knew Felix and Dimitri were made for each other,</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Well, I probably started crushing on him back when we were 14. He was playing piano and invited me to sit beside him, then he just said, he plays better when I’m somewhere in his line of sight. It kinda stayed with me, even though I knew he never meant anything by that.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’I know. Dimitri can act with the most charming gestures without meaning to.’’ Felix groaned at some memory of his own. ’’Remember when he came determined to keep us four unseparate, and made us sign a contract that even when we grew up we would always be together.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain perked up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘’I remember that one! Doesn’t he still have the copy at his house?’’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’He does?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Yeah, when we helped him move, I think I spotted it-’’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was… different to be able to fuss over someone together. Back until university Sylvain had always tried and failed to find out Felix’s type or just overall preference in people. Felix wasn’t at all receptive at the topic or would ignore it all together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now when talking about Dimitri like this, it was different, because they both cared. Whether in childhood memories or in the current day, he had charmed his way to their hearts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix had seen the signs of something growing between Dimitri and Sylvain. He was glad he didn’t have to address it more than he already had to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They both spoke about Dimitri and their affections for him. They had such similar experiences that it made Felix feel uncomfortably giddy. Made him speak more freely now that he judged that Sylvain wasn’t in too deep inside his own mind for communication. Things that Felix had been keeping to himself all these years was kinda spilling out involuntarily. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’You mean to tell me, you didn’t develop a crush on Dimitri when we were kids?’’ Sylvain looked at him astonished.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’No. It was just… Shallow admiration. I loved the idea of him, not Dimitri.’’ He felt stupid admitting it, but it had an opposite effect on Sylvain.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Then tell me when it started,’’  His boyfriend, always the gossiper, leaning forward eagerly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix growled reluctant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’You tell first.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>‘’’I already told you didn’t I?’’ Sylvain was grinning, and Felix gave his smug face a shove.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Then tell me what was the trigger of you realizing it now. Even if I have a guess when it happened, but I don’t have the full story.’’ he demanded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There was this something along the lines of fear in his boyfriends eyes before he spoke his voice grew soft and quiet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’...When he came to my aid whenever I needed to, he just, slowly made me feel like I could lean on him. That he wouldn’t reject me. When I’m with him I feel safe. I like being safe. ’’ </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s an understatement of a century after what Sylvain had gone through.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’It also helps that he has grown terribly handsome. Also he’s really strong? How? After being locked in the hospital for so long?’’ Sylvain just had to twist everything to a joke, but Felix didn’t comment on the topic change.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He wouldn't need to talk about those women ever again if Felix had something to say on the topic.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>’’Because others avoided him there, he helped the staff with heavy lifting. He carried things and reached the high shelves. That’s what I heard from Dedue,’’ Felix said.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Damn. Should I get myself locked in the hospital?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Don’t you dare. I need you here.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain wiggled his eyebrows seductively and Felix wanted to die.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’Ugh, when Dimitri had one of his home-stays and he crushed a glass on his hand. I helped to clean it up and he thanked me,’’ he answered Sylvain’s previous question instead. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hearing this Sylvain’s face softened drawing circles with his thumb on Felix’s hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’You don’t like to see us hurt?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’It should be obvious,’’ Felix spitted out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The memory of Sylvain’s limp form is implanted into his brain forever. The aftermath of being shot by someone who Miklain had given a great deal of money to. Luckily the bullet had only hit his left shoulder, but for months Felix had to stare at Sylvain's cast. An arm tightly bandaged to place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Sylvain had woken up in the hospital bed he had been the first to make jokes. Jokes how Felix should see himself because he shouldn’t be so worried, but all Felix could say was how much he wanted to embrace him. To feel him alive and well. That’s one of the few times Felix had left Sylvain speechless, without using threats that is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He hated seeing them hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he had witnessed Dimitri breakdown, he had felt disgusted at the beast before him that only lived for revenge. Not taking care of itself, haunted by the voices inside its head. For a long time Felix hadn’t even visited him at the hospital, too afraid to lose the person he had held dear to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When a year ago Dimitri had been granted permission to go outside the hospital, he had prepared himself to face the beast from before. The beast was there, but there was also Dimitri who was bleeding, literally. And even after everything Felix hated to see him hurt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was a curse how Felix realized just how much he cared for the people he held dear, only when they were hurt. So far he had been lucky that the only person he had lost for good had been Glenn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Never would he make the same mistake.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’So we gonna tell Dimitri?’’ Sylvain asked the question at the center of their debate.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix wasn’t sure, he wasn’t sure how Dimitri would react. He wasn’t as naive as when they were children, but he still held some values taught by his passed parents close to heart. That included traditional marriage.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’We can try, but the traditional monogamous relationship goals were rooted to him. I find it unlikely he would accept our approach.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain didn’t seem as pessimistic as him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’Well, he has beaten heteronormativity and is out of the closet so, I say we give it a try.’’ He squished Felix’s hand for emphasis. ’’Especially because I got the complete edition on what those flowers meant, with individual flower descriptions and all. It’s interesting to say the least.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Felix had tried his best to forget about the stupid flowers now that they had finally withered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Curious?’’ Sylvain smirked, and he was immediate to respond.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Show me the damn list.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There was a lot on Dimitri’s mind lately. Edelgard had corrected her initial statement after researching the topic and was now on Dimitri’s side, and now of the opinion he should pursue a relationship with them. Dimitri is sure that Dedue very likely knows of his problem after his monologue, if not already from the flowers he helped Dimitri to pick.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Yet he still dreaded the way he felt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He had felt similarly towards Felix for a long time when they were children. The pounding of his heart, the way yearned to stay beside him forever more. It had all been a happy dream until the accident. Felix had drawn distance and once Dimitri’s sanity had fallen, he withdrew completely. For long there had been disgust and fear on his face whenever he saw Dimitri’s state. It had torn his heart apart, but Dimitri knew that he, himself, had caused the heartache he felt. He had destroyed the trust Felix had had in him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dimitri had thought he had given up on the lingering affections, but it had been reawakened. Felix’s stubborn nature, the care he showed after everything had caused it to resurface again, and now Dimitri was sure he didn’t want this feeling to disappear again or to cause anymore pain to Felix. He wanted to see him again smiling like they had when they had been children.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was sure he loved Felix.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then there was Sylvain. Someone Dimitri couldn’t quite grasp until very recently. He had put up so many invisible walls, that only once they had come down, had Dimitri realized their existence. He had always cared for Sylvain, but the walls he had built around himself had led Dimitri to believe in a lie of flawlessness, even with his tendency to charm the female population and leave them behind broken. It only made sense, as Sylvain had been the one that had kept all of them together after Glenn’s death, maybe even tried to replace him, which must be why it hadn’t worked on Felix and they had become a couple.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The new feelings Dimitri had born or had always been there, were something out of the broken illusion. No longer was Sylvain someone, bright as a sun, who could be admired from afar but never touched. His vulnerability proved Sylvain was just as humane as he was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He was sure he loved Sylvain.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Yet despite Edelgard and Dedue accepting Dimitri’s longing, he himself hadn’t had the courage to disrupt Sylvain’s and Felix’s life further. What they had now was precious to Dimitri, and even when he himself knew he was a terrible liar, he was insistent on continuing to act as normal. Maybe one day these feelings would become fleeting, and his feelings would return to ones of friendship.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But would that really be possible if he didn’t want those feelings to disappear?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>All because he loved them too much.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wanted to hold them dear.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>+++</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was supposed to be a normal get together at Felix’s and Sylvain’s apartment. Another one of their ’’music clubs’’ get together, but when Dimitri had attempted to leave at the same time as Dorothea and Ingrid, Felix had stopped him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’I want you to stay a night.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’I beg your pardon?’’ Dimitri could help but to ask.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’You carry extra pills on you. I want to see how long they last,’’ Felix stated.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ah, a test of Dimitri’s own ability to take care of himself.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’I see. Then I’ll stay.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dorothea was making a weird expression that reminded Dimitri of a cat satisfied after bringing their owner a dead rat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’Then have fun you boys! Don’t stay up all night,’’ she commented, winking.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Come on Thea, let’s go,’’ Ingrid mumbled embarrassed while dragging her girlfriend out of the door.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’We won’t! Have a safe trip!’’ Sylvain bid the girls and soon Ingrid’s bike road across the quiet street.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>’’Do they know?’’</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Felix whispered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>’’I don’t know. Nothing gets past Dorothea, so I wouldn’t be surprised,’’</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Sylvain replied as quietly, but not missed by Dimitri.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Am I missing something?’’ he wondered, and Sylvain was quick to convince him otherwise.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’No, no! Just um, something about Dorothea’s speech. Are you still awake enough to have a conversation?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dimitri gazed at the clock around the hour of 10 pm. He didn't feel particularly sleepy yet, nor would his sleeping schedule be ruined by one night staying up later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’I would think so.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Great, great! I’ll pour us some tea,’’ Sylvain offered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>+++</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With just the three of them present it was a little harder for Dimitri to ignore how his heart fluttered like a newly born bird. He enjoyed the tea, even when he couldn’t taste it, but it was warm and he could very faintly smell the chamomile.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’So, Dimitri got a special somebody?’’ Sylvain asked nonchalantly.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dimitri felt his stomach sink at the question. Yes he had been asked the same question when younger, and he would share a quick look at Felix before denying it, but now he had a different answer. Answer he couldn’t possibly share at such an intimate moment.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain was mindful and caught his distress and attempted to withdraw his statement.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’No need to answer if-’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’It’s us, isn’t it?’’ Felix interrupted, and Dimitri stopped breathing for a few seconds and the same seemed to have happened for the time.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Felix! You can’t just-!’’ Sylvain hissed, but Felix paid him no mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Dimitri, answer me without holding back. Do you have feelings for me and Sylvain? Yes or a no?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix had always been quick to see through him. Caught the signs, spoke the taboos when no one other had the courage. It was very much like Felix to phrase a question so that Dimitri had no way out.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Yes. I suppose my feelings are too transparent. Is it so easy to see through me?’’ he came to realize the new weakness in him. Not just the beast lurking inside of him waiting to be unleashed, but the honesty that would break his friend’s trust in him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Felix had much a simpler answer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’The flowers.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Oh,’’ Dimitri could only note.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Whether he would have been the most skillful of liars, he would have still slipped up on his act. The ignorance of his own feelings, the feelings he had already poured to the flowers given to the two of them of just how much he loved them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Sorry. I have this new friend who works in gardening, so I asked,’’ Sylvain explained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’You don’t have to apologize, Sylvain, I was the one to give them after all,’’ Dimitri spoke and rose up from his seat at the table. ’’If you find my presence disturbing, I can give you two some space. That was my original intention after all. I’m sure this will subside if given enough time. And if you don’t want to see me, I will leave right away and never speak to you again, if you wish so.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix rose up as well and prevented his way to the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’You’re a liar boar. You don’t want to do that,’’ he challenged, peering to the deep depths of Dimitri's heart. His friend saw just how Dimitri’s reluctance grew out of a thought of creating any kind of distance between them.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’If that’s what you wish of me, I’m resolved to see it through. For your happiness,’’ he was still determined. He wouldn’t put his own desires above his friends.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’There is really no need for that!’’ Sylvain came between him and Felix. ’’We feel the same towards you, so it’s all okay! Great even!’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dimitri blinked slowly gazing at Sylvain, then Felix who’s expression hadn’t changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He never had an auditory hallucination that had been as pleasing. He had never heard them imitate one</span>
  <span>s of the living, but the voices had and always had been his own voice, in some ways what he wanted to hear.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Sorry, I must be dissociating. I was sure I took my medication today-’’ Dimitri felt his pockets for pills.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain quickly caught his hand.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’No, no! You’re good Dimitri,’’ he assured, and let go of Dimitri’s hand. ’’What me and Felix were originally planning on speaking about was- Um, how we both kinda have feelings for you.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dimitri was completely lost. Auditory hallucinations couldn’t touch him, and he never had visual ones.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’…I must be dreaming,’’ he concluded.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix growled annoyed, and grabbed a fist full of his shirt.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Should I hit you to prove this as real?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Felix-! You can’t brute force this!’’ Sylvain panicked and Felix clicked his tongue annoyed and released him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’So… this is not a dream?’’ Dimitri confirmed, to which Sylvain quickly answered.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Nope. Just me and Felix here confessing our love to you- and just so we are clear, the romantic kind of love. The let's be boyfriends kind of love.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Don’t you have any kind of sense of shame?’’ Felix mumbled, hiding his face with the back of his hand.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’You have to be clear with things like this-!’’ Sylvain hissed, his face glowing red.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dimitri led out a choked laugh, the reality setting before him. Never had he seen both of his friends act so adorably bashful before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’I- I find this too good to be real. The best I dared to hope for was that you wouldn’t stop being my friends. This- I’m not sure how to express the lightness my heart feels.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Idiot.’’ Felix huffed and his obscured face came back to view. He was smiling.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’You have a way with words, Dimitri. I just might have fallen for you again,’’ Sylvain playfully added.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In that moment Dimitri closed his arms around them. He felt their warmth, the way his own heart soared to the heavens. It convinced him it was not a dream, or if it was, he no longer wanted to wake up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’Is this acceptable?’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’A little too late to ask,’’ Felux grumbled but returned the gesture nevertheless. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Come on Felix-! We’re going to be boyfriends, so I would certainly think this is okay.’’ Sylvain laughter was infectious. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Truly? Is that allowed?’’ Dimitri could only wonder in bliss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’Who the hell dictates what’s right for us? We’re 3 adults in a consensual relationship,’’ Felix stated and Sylvain was quick to add.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’-But only if you are fine with this Dimitri? Me and Felix have already talked about this.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Dimitri let go of them only to take both of their hands into his own and knelt before them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’I promise to dedicate myself to you two completely. Felix. Sylvain.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Felix let out a shriek of a cornered animal, but wasn’t backing away. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sylvain in turn seemed very happy at the turn of the situation</span>
</p><p>
  <span>’’We’re not getting married or giving our vows yet- but I’m really not against your forwardness.’’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>’’What have I gotten myself into…’’ Felix mumbled.</span>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The end? -Well I have written a prologue to this fic, a three-shot if you will. It’s a pre-time skip to this one which will be pretty angsty with a fluffy ending continuing timeline wise to this one. It will show as a series part two to this one, but I’ll probably take a few weeks break between publishing for now.</p><p>Also if you want to see how I visualize all the characters in this modern AU, I'm drawing them on Tumbler now, which you can click to see <a href="https://summonerruoste.tumblr.com/post/645023991060447232/ive-been-working-on-the-modern-versions-of-three">here!</a><br/> </p><p>Thank you for reading and all the kudos~<br/>This is self-betad, English is not my first language and I have dyslexia, so all the comments about typos or otherwise are appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was inspired to write a fic centering around these 3 after I killed them all in Crimson flower and heard what they said. Yet again the official translation left things out, but you can find my translation of it in the following link.</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://summonerruoste.tumblr.com/post/616857745434574848/">Tumbler</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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